Dating Woes: Looking for “The One”

Dear OutLook,

I ran across your Web site and have a question for you.

I consider myself to be an okay person, well rounded and good-natured. I'm nice, kind to others, work hard, try to treat people right....all those things that I learned growing up. I have a good job, am intelligent (I think), not bad-looking (or so I've been told) and semi-sane for the most part. :) And yet, even with all of this, I find myself alone. Oh, I have good friends that I couldn't bear to part with, and that I love dearly. But that "special one"…the one to curl up with at night…to call my "soul mate" and "woman I love"…well, she has been elusive. I've been single for almost six years now and I'm beginning to wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong.

Don't get me wrong; I've dated a little during that time (emphasis on "little."). I've met some really beautiful women—inside and out—that I have been honored to have dated. But it seems like there is always something missing; something just wasn't "right." I've had people tell me I expect too much, or that I set my standards too high. Should I settle for less than what I want in a relationship just to fill a hole? I realize not every relationship is perfect, but I don't want to settle for less, ya know?

Help, Moya! I see all these couples around me that seem to be happy…and yet, I go to sleep at night wishing there was someone for me. What should I do?

Lonely Okie

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Dear Lonely Okie,
I gave my answer to your dilemma careful thought because I think there are many women out there in exactly the same place you find yourself. Until recently, I was also having thoughts not unlike your own. However, one thing that I never considered was settling just to have someone in my life. I truly believe that there is someone for everyone, and the person meant for you is preparing for you as much as your experiences are preparations for meeting her!

“...do not lose heart...the person meant for you is preparing for you as much as you are preparing for her!”

Please do not lose heart. Try and enjoy your life as it is now, socializing with friends and having personal freedom that is lost when you commit to someone. The biggest mistake people make is to actively look for a partner. You will never find "the one" when you go in search of them. You'll meet women and try to find their good qualities and convince yourself that they are "the one" because you are tired of looking and so hope that they are. When you quit searching you will stumble onto that perfect someone quite by accident, mostly because the attraction is not forced or pushed by your subconscious desire to find a partner.

Do not ever let anyone convince you that you expect too much. You know what you want in a partner. Do not settle for second best because you will spend the rest of your life trying to make them what they are not and that is not fair to either of you. You will have to make compromises in a relationship, but when you meet the woman who was meant for you I doubt you will find anything you'd want to change . . . she'll be just what you wanted!

I know from experience how hard it is to be out and see couples all around you that seem so happy, and go to bed alone every night . . . but your mate is so worth waiting for! I am 36 years old and it has taken me this long to find that special someone. That is a long time to wait, but I would never change it for the world. I could have settled along the way, but something always stopped me. I think I knew she was out there, the timing was just out of my hands.

Go out, have fun with your friends, hang out and try to be patient. You will probably meet her in the most unlikely place at the most unlikely time . . . some things are just worth waiting for!

I hope this gives you some encouragement. Hopefully after this letter goes in the next update of Outlook, I will get some feedback from other people in the same position and I can pass on their advice too! Let me know if you stumble onto your soul mate.