Myths about Same Sex Parenting

We've heard them all: Gay and lesbian parents are psychologically "unfit" to be parents....Our children will all grow up to become lesbians or gay men...Our children are mentally unstable and vulnerable to breakdown...Our children grow up confused about their gender identity and sexual feelings...Gay men and lesbians sexually abuse their daughters and sons. Here's the myths and the truth for those who care to hear it.

MYTH: Discussing gay or lesbian family members means talking about sex.
REALITY: It means talking about love, understanding, acceptance, diversity, and discrimination. "Heather has two Mommies" is not about sex, its about families. In the first grade, that is what children talk about. For a child to not be able to talk about their own family is not only discriminatory, it is also wrong.

MYTH: Gay men can't be nurturing parents.
REALITY: Having children is often a very conscious choice for gay men. Gay men who enter straight marriages often do so because they want children. Gay men who adopt children must go through great hardship and stress to succeed. Some choose to share parenting with lesbians. These and other options show a real commitment to being a parent.

MYTH: It's bad for children to have parents who are lesbian, gay or bisexual.
REALITY: "As an adopted teenager of a gay couple, I have heard this question over and over again: Does [being raised by gays] affect the kids? Being adopted has brought a lot of changes to my life. I no longer need to steal to get food to eat. I no longer have to be afraid of being abused. Even when I get into trouble, I still feel like I'm loved. I am a regular kid. I attend school. I play sports and video games. I have friends over to the house. Nobody has teased me, nor have they said bad things about my family. We need to look at what the kids without families really need, instead of getting sidetracked by this whole gay issue." A study of daughters of Lesbian mothers and heterosexual mothers showed no difference in leadership ability, interpersonal flexibility or self-confidence. (Gottman, JS. "Children of Gay and Lesbian Parents")

MYTH: Gay parents are out to "recruit" their children as well as others.
REALITY: A review of more than 30 studies comparing the children of lesbian or gay parents with those of heterosexual parents showed no significant differences in terms of gender identity or sexual orientation.

MYTH: Families with gay or lesbian parents are not "real families."
REALITY: Lesbian and gay parents cook dinners, change diapers, take time off to care for sick children, help with homework, negotiate TV time, drive children to soccer practice, worry about child care, clean house, and read bedtime stories. What is not real about our families? We believe that a family is defined by the love, responsibility, commitment and support that adults give to the children for whom they care and nurture, and to each other.

MYTH: There is no prejudice against gay men and lesbians in School curricula.
REALITY: The American Libraries Association reports that in 1993, the most common reason for book censorship in public and school libraries was the mention of homosexuality. Number one on the list: Daddy's Roommate. Conversely, most children's books include straight relationships: The Berenstain Bears, The Little Mermaid, Peter Pan, the Little House books, and The Velveteen Rabbit, to name a very few! Teachers know that societal prejudice has historically resulted in the invisibility of whole groups of people in books and curriculum. Our families are the victims of the same prejudice and the same invisibility.

MYTH: There is no anti-gay sentiment in the schools.
REALITY: The greatest difficulty facing children of gays and lesbians is homophobia in other children. Our children report to us that it starts early and that it is everywhere; by first or second grade children are using words like "fag", "lezzie", "gaybob", and "homo" as pejoratives. They do not always know what the words mean, only that they are a way to put people down. Our children, and other children, are constantly hearing negative statements associated with gays and lesbians. As a class, gays and lesbians are devalued as individuals and human beings. Our kids become afraid to talk about their families.

MYTH: Lesbians and gays don't have children.
REALITY: Many gay and lesbian parents are not "out" at their children's schools. A teacher can not assume that there are no children of gay parents in his or her classroom. The American Bar Association estimates that at least six million children in the United States have lesbian or gay parents. Lesbians, as open lesbians, are having record-breaking numbers of children. Homosexuality and bisexuality are sometimes a factor in divorce. A child from a divorced couple may have at least one gay parent. And now that the debate about gay parents is coming into the open, more "out" gay men and lesbians are legally adopting children.

MYTH: It's safer for children of lesbians and gays not to talk about their families.
REALITY: Not talking about something gives the message that there is something wrong with it. Including information about our families in educational programs and schools provides an emotionally safe atmosphere for children of lesbians and gays by reassuring them that their school and teachers think that their families are "OK". They learn that the school will support them and their family members.

MYTH: It's only a white issue.
REALITY: Issues about gay and lesbian parents and how we are treated are not about sexuality, they are about bigotry. Bigotry is universal. If one group can be a scapegoat, any group can. Lesbian and gay parents and their children come in every size, shape and color. Many gay parents fear being out and it is possible that those who experience discrimination in other forms are even more unlikely to be open about their sexual orientation. It does not mean they do not exist, it means that they need an environment that is safe for them and their children.