random musings

Before I start this week's recap of The L Word's tenth episode, Land Ahoy, I have a couple of bones to pick with the creators of TLW. Do you not have enough money to hire a real music director or sound effects team that actually creates original music and sounds? I swear, if I hear one more rehashed rendition of TLW theme song, I honestly think I'll run screaming into the night! Not only is the theme song one of the most obnoxious pieces of drivel I've ever listen to (I purposely wait about five minutes after TLW starts so I can fast forward through the theme), the sound team is insistent upon remixing it into a million different versions to be played back in every episode. Please, Ilene. If you don't have the budget for a real sound system, invest $100 in GarageBand, hire some 15-year-old musical prodigy off the street, and make some original music for this show. You're killing it with all this Betty crap! I don't have anything against Betty in general; I'm just tired of hearing the same song played over and over again. The show is original. Give it original music!

And my other bone? What is it with the Betty infomercial? So far, we've seen them perform. That was pretty cool considering that we got to hear Pam Grier belt out some nice tunes. But then Alyson Palmer appears a couple episodes later, and now Amy Ziff plays the cello. While the cello playing was indeed exquisite and it's great to see a BBW getting some action, did she have to sing the damn theme song in French?! All this seems a little incestuous to us. Give us a break, Ilene. Hire a real music director and quit hiring all your buddies.

Now, on with the recap of Land Ahoy.

As you can surmise from my above rant, tonight's episode features a member of Betty: Amy Ziff. The episode starts out aboard a cruise ship, with Ziff playing the cello. A woman in the audience, Phoebe Sparkle, a widely known sexpert, is mesmerized by her, and before you know it, is doing the deed with Ziff in a wide variety of places on the ship! Nice to see a big, beautiful woman getting some action, but a throwaway scene if you ask me. Especially since Ziff had to sing the damn theme song in French. Aarrgghhh! Moving on...

This is one of Jenny's most shining moments. Mark is asleep in the garage when he hears what can only be a live feed from one of his cameras as Jenny stands in front of the camera, naked, writing on herself and saying all sorts of things. He scrambles out of bed, turns it off, then knocks on Jenny's door. Upon opening the door, he's faced with a naked Jenny and the message "Is this what you want?" He tries to explain himself, telling her it's not what she thinks, then sees that Jenny has his camera and the tape of Shane and Carmen. She tells him that she's going to use it now and that it's not his tape. He continues trying to explain, but she cuts him off telling him that he's violating them, that he has crossed every line of trust. He tries to explain that it's for the documentary, but she won't buy it. She picks up his camera, focuses on him and asks, "Do you have any sisters?" He says yes. Then she says, "I want you to ask them a question. And the most important thing is that you really listen to their answer. I want you to ask your sisters about the very first time that they were intruded upon by some man or a boy." He asks why she thinks that his sisters have been intruded upon and she responds, "Because there isn't a single woman or girl in this world that hasn't been intruded upon. And sometimes it's relatively benign and sometimes it's so fucking painful that you have no idea what this feels like." Mark tells her he's going to take down the cameras and tell Shane, but she refuses to let him ruin their vacation and won't let him do it. Good for you, Jenny! Way to stand up to him.

Next up, we have a brief moment at The Planet, where Kit is taking orders from people in line. Just as she starts to take this woman's order, a bouquet of flowers is shoved into her face, followed by the mug of her married beau, Benjamin Bradshaw. He's trying to make up for standing her up last episode, and trying to persuade her to have dinner with him. Go away, Ben. You're not good enough for our Kit!

Over at the radio station, Alice is getting ready to host a new segment of her show, "The Chart," with Dana as her special guest. Alice is doing that funky radio voice from a couple episodes ago, speaking about how Dana is going to be a guest speaker on an upcoming Olivia cruise, and Dana being her geeky self, is just having a blast. As Alice continues with her monologue, Dana continually cuts in, corrects Alice, and basically ticks poor Alice off royally! Time and again, Dana cuts her off until Alice has finally had enough and puts her hand over Dana's mouth! We can see an argument coming out of this one! Note to Alice: Never mix business with pleasure. Girlfriends and work don't mix well together!

Back at Jenny's place, we find Jenny sorting through several old photographs, talking into the camera about what is obviously her family. She speaks of the Holocaust and many of the trials and tribulations her family must have experienced. Carmen comes in and sees that Jenny hasn't packed for the cruise. Jenny tells Carmen she really doesn't want to go since she's so involved in her work; that she's feeling inspired for the first time in a longtime, and that Carmen should just go with Shane and have a good time. They toss this back and forth for a little bit until Carmen says that she wants to go with her girlfriend. Jenny pointedly asks, "Who's that?" Carmen is stunned, but responds emphatically, "It's you!" Jenny looks at her and says, "Please just tell me the truth." Wow! Carmen, sweetheart, looks like Jenny's watched the Shane/Carmen confession tape and has your number. Just tell the truth already, okay?

We head over to Tina and Helena in a dress shop where Tina is trying on an evening gown. Helena tells the salesgirl that she wants the dress taken up to highlight "these" meaning Tina's breasts, which she proceeds to grab right in front of the salesgirl. I don't know about you, but I really don't think I'd appreciate my girlfriend grabbing my breasts in public! Anyway, Tina tells Helena that she really isn't comfortable with the $5,000 price tag on the dress, especially since she's supposed to be getting an award for community service, and she really doesn't want to show up in an over-the-top, extravagant gown; that the money could be used in so many other ways. Helena tells Tina, "Please, do not tell me what I can or cannot spend my own money on..." Then she brags about how much money she gives away, how this is nothing, and Tina just needs to let her do this for her. Hmm, Helena, a word to the wise: All your money is not going to impress Tina. You're going about this the wrong way, chickie! Oh, and as she pulls out her money to pay for the dress, she casually tells Tina, "Did I mention I invited Bette?" much to Tina's surprise.

Shane's walking through the house when Carmen calls out to her. She tells Shane that Jenny's decided not to go on the cruise, so Shane says she's not going. Carmen insists that she wants to go and they both have to go, so Jenny finally gives in and agrees to go. This should be interesting.

Over at Dana and Alice's place, you can tell Alice is pretty pissed. They're packing for the trip and Dana's talking about what they should or shouldn't take, but Al's not responding. Finally, Dana pins her down and asks what's wrong since she doesn't want to be on the boat that sinks with Alice mad at her. Alice sputters, "How would you feel, Dana, if I came down and interrupted one of your matches or corrected one of your shots? You were interrupting me. You didn't even respect the fact that it was my gig and I feel like I'm always there for you!" Dana apologies profusely and they kiss and make up. After making up, they start talking about Dana's propensity to get seasick, which in turns becomes a discussion about The Love Boat, with Captain Stubing, Julie McCoy, Gopher, and all the characters, when Alice finds out that Dana has a thing for the character of Julie. We see a plot hatching here, ladies!

Shane's packing for the trip when Mark comes into her room, acting really strange, and tells her to remember that he's her friend. She asks why he's acting weird and what he did, but he won't tell her. He only asks that she remember that he's her friend, to which Shane says "I'm your friend, too." You won't be for long, Shane. Trust us.

At the airport, Shane, Jenny, Carmen, Alice and Dana are all getting ready to go through security. Alice is pumped that everyone is doing carry-on items, but Dana doesn't want to. She refuses to say why, but we've got a pretty good idea. Just a short bit. Stay tuned for a hilarious moment with airport security coming up next!

We get to see the incomparable Ossie Davis reprise his role as Bette's rigid and judgmental father as she picks him up from the airport as well. Davis died shortly after filming his scenes in The L Word and will be sorely missed from the show. During this brief segment, one can see that Davis was in poor health, even as his character is, and appeared fragile and weak. Mr. Davis, you will be missed.


Back at airport security, Dana has just placed her bag on the x-ray machine and grabs for it as it starts to come out, but no dice. The security person has seen something and calls over one of the other ladies to have them look at it. They decide the suitcase needs to be opened, much to Dana's chagrin. And what do they find? A strap-on, complete with realistic-looking dildo sporting testicles! Dana is absolutely mortified as the rest of the crew crack up laughing. Next thing they dig out baffles them until Alice confirms that they're nipple clamps. The female security agent tells her she can't take 'em on the plane and pockets them. Hmm...I thought the TSA was just supposed to confiscate items, not keep them! After totally humiliating Dana, the guards give them back their stuff and tell them to have a good time. Uh-huh...I'm sure they will! Right after Dana's face returns to a normal shade of pink. Dana, sweetheart, hang in there. I've had a few experiences with that red face problem and it does eventually return to normal.

At the CAC, Bette and her father are viewing a painting with Allyn Barnes, the artist Bette is preparing a retrospective for. After discussing the painting, Melvin leaves the room and Bette finds him wandering the hallway. She collects him and ushers him into her office. There, they speak about her mother. Melvin reminisces how they used to argue over paintings all the time, but she was never condescending as Barnes was. Bette asks him if he loved her mother so much, why didn't he try to make it right? He tells Bette that without the bonds of marriage, she just wouldn't understand. She insists that she would, but he won't tell her. Changing the subject, Bette tells him she has reservations for dinner. He asks that she change them, then also asks that she call Kit and see if she'd like to join them. What?! This guy can't stand Kit! Hasn't had anything to do with her in almost 14 years! Bette's surprised, mentions something about Kit's boyfriend, then Melvin says that he can come, too. At this, Bette looks shocked. She tells Melvin that she's more than a little shocked that he just asked Kit's boyfriend, whom she hasn't been seeing very long, to dinner with them, but he has yet to ask about Tina. He tells Bette she can invite Tina, to which Bette responds that they've broken up. He says that he doesn't know what to say, and Bette sadly says, "You're not supposed to say anything." Poor Bette.

Over on the Love Boat...err...the Olivia cruise ship, the gang is getting ready to board. Dana is mobbed by fans, so Alice entertains herself by walking over to a crew member, decked out in Captain's finery, and whispers something into his ear. He nods yes, and Alice walks off looking rather pleased with herself. Over with the triangle crew, Jenny, Shane, and Carmen discover that their "suite" is just a single and they're all going to have to share the bed. Jenny thinks that's great and says, "Well, I have an idea? Why don't we all sleep together, and Carmen, you sleep in the middle." They both look at her like she's grown another head, and Shane says, "Even for Jenny, she's acting weird."

Dana is sitting at a table with Phoebe Sparkle and the other lecture guests, fielding questions. A person in the audience jumps up and asks Dana to marry her. Dana laughs, but then responds that she's in a committed relationship. Phoebe comments that she's sure Dana and her partner "know how to spice things up." Next thing you know, Jenny is throwing her arm up, asking "Ms. Sparkle, what is your advice on three-ways?" Carmen and Shane look incredibly uncomfortable as Sparkle responds to Jenny's question. Not sure where the heck Jenny is going with this, but this is getting weirder and weirder by the minute!

Bette and her father are waiting on Kit and Benjamin to show up for dinner. They're making small talk, but Bette is starting to notice things that are very uncharacteristic for her father; he's just not acting like himself. Benjamin and Kit arrive, and Melvin is immediately taken with Benjamin. Don't think he'd be so thrilled if he knew Benjamin was married! Anyway, dinner progresses, but then suddenly Melvin has to get up and leave the table, leaving Kit and Bette to ponder what's going on with him.
Back on the Love Boat, Shane, Jenny, and Carmen are at the ship's nightclub, dancing to the music. Jenny and Carmen are kissing with Shane nearby. Jenny reaches over and pulls Shane towards them, backs away from Carmen, then pushes Shane towards Carmen, and moves away. Carmen and Shane begin to embrace, not quite touching lips, until Shane breaks away and walks off. Jenny comes over towards Carmen and ruffles her hair, then starts dancing. Poor Carmen looks shell-shocked and not sure what the hell just happened. Don't feel bad, girl, we're not sure either! The scene ends with Shane standing on the deck, looking over the side, and we're assuming, contemplating her messed up life.

At The Planet, Kit and Bette are meeting with their father for lunch. Melvin inquires about Benjamin and Kit, not sure what to say, starts to say the wrong things. Bette kicks her under the table and launches into this spiel about how Benjamin travels and such, lives in Portland, etc. Basically, Bette saves Kit's neck. As they continue discussing dinner, Melvin mentions that since Bette has a prior engagement with "Ms. Kennard," that they should have dinner there at The Planet. Bette becomes angry with him and tells him that he could at least call her Tina. He agrees, but Bette is still angry. She says, "You have no regard for what I'm going through, Daddy. None. Until you can acknowledge that my relationship of eight years was every bit as meaningful as your marriage to my mother; until you can see that my heart is broken because I failed the woman that I love, perhaps in the same way that you failed my mother, then I really have nothing else to say. Except, you know, I am not giving up. I am not going to end up sad and alone and full of regret..." as she walks off.

Dana and Alice are walking around the ship when Dana is mobbed by fans once again. They bump into Phoebe Sparkle, where Alice gushes over her, and asks if Phoebe really sleeps with a different woman every night. Entré Shane! Phoebe Sparkle takes one look at Shane and decides that's the "different woman" for that night! In another part of the ship, Carmen watches Jenny as she just cuts loose, dancing and acting wild in general. Next thing you know, Jenny has lifted her skirt and flashed everyone, then dives into the pool fully clothed! Okay, Jenny. You have to stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing!
Dana and Alice return to their room where Alice has a little surprise for them. She walks out with a captain's uniform, which she tells Dana to put on. We watch Dana getting ready, adjusting the strap-on through her pants, when Alice comes out dressed as cruise director, Julie McCoy from the Love Boat, complete with flippy hair-do and all. Dana is stunned and thinks that Alice is just beautiful. Just as she throws her down on the bed, someone knocks at the door, telling them that they're late for dinner at the Captain's table. Poor Dana doesn't have a chance to get a word in edgewise as the woman grabs her arm and drags her off, still fully clothed in her captain's uniform and packing a mighty nice lump between her legs! Poor Dana! She gives an entirely new meaning to the word "packing!"

At the same moment a few tables away, Carmen and Jenny are having dinner. Carmen asks Jenny, "Do you want to tell me what's going on with you?" Nothing, Jenny responds. Carmen comments, "Well, it just...it seems like you want a three-way with Shane." Jenny responds, "It seems like you're very attracted to her, and I just wanted...I don't know, I thought it would be interesting, it just came into my head." Like we said, Jenny, stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing! They debate back and forth about Shane, with Carmen asking if Jenny's jealous, Jenny saying no, blah, blah, blah. Girls, it's time to quit playing games. For someone who wants honesty, Jenny sure is playing fast and loose with the truth. This is ridiculous!

At the Peabody Foundation awards dinner, Tina spies Bette and makes a beeline for her, leaving Helena to greet guests alone. They make small talk until Tina tells Bette that she's been thinking a lot about "us" and about the other day when they made love. Tina: "And, if you want, I'd like to see what would happen if we started spending more time together." Bette asks, "What about Helena?" Tina responds that they're not exclusive. Bette smiles and says, "So are you saying you want to date me?" Tina breaks into a big smile and says, "Yeah." Just at that moment, right before Bette can respond, Helena walks up and spirits Tina off to meet Senator Feinstein. I'd smile, too, if I were Bette. Helena doesn't have a clue her girlfriend just asked her ex-girlfriend to date her. Woo-hoo!

On the Olivia cruise, one of my favorite singers, Shawn Colvin is performing "Sunny Came Home" while Shane and Phoebe, Jenny and Carmen, and Dana and Alice look on. If you haven't heard Shawn Colvin, give her music a listen. She has a wonderfully refreshing sound, even though she's been around for years. Alice and Dana sneak out of the concert back to their room where it's time for a little "action" as Captain Stubing and Julie. Just as they begin to make love, Dana starts getting seasick and makes a beeline for the bathroom. Poor Alice! Over at Phoebe Sparkle's place, Shane's expecting to have to "perform" for the sexpert, only to find out Sparkle is tired and just wants to sleep. Shane asks if she can borrow her couch and Sparkle agrees, so long as Shane doesn't "tell anyone" that they didn't sleep together. So much for a sexpert, huh?!

At The Planet, Kit and Benjamin are having dinner with Melvin when suddenly he collapses. Kit frantically calls Bette at the Peabody Foundation dinner and tells her to meet them at the hospital. Bette leaves in a rush, just as Tina stands to receive her award. Tina looks around for Bette, but can't find her and appears to be crushed that she's gone.

The whole gang finally return from their Olivia cruise to find Mark coming down a ladder. He has a whole mess of stuff strewn over the table, as each one asks a different question: "What are you doing? What's those? What's with all the tapes? What's going on, Mark?" Mark tells them that there's something he needs to show them, that he had cameras all over the house, but Jenny takes care of it for him. She walks over, grabs the Shane/Carmen Love Confession tape and hands it to Carmen. She turns it over, looks at it, walks over to Mark and shoves it into his chest and walks off. Going to Jenny, Carmen tries to explain everything to her, but Jenny tells her it's okay. She says, "It's okay that we're not meant to be together, and I know that the only reason you're with me is that you want to be near Shane." Carmen denies it, but Jenny walks up to Carmen, takes her hands in hers, and says, "Shane is my best friend and I don't want to fuck it up." Hmm...okay. Whatever.

Shane is going through the tapes on the table, looking at all the stuff Mark has taped with her in it, becoming more and more frustrated. Carmen walks up and she and Shane gaze at one another for a long moment before Carmen turns to leave. Shane picks up one of the cameras and stares hard at Mark. Absolutely no sound is made and the tension is high as you hear Shane sniffling. Fighting back tears, she approaches Mark and stares at him for a long time before hauling off and punching him in the face, then throwing the camera across the room.

In all, Land Ahoy was a powerful episode highlighting some turning points for our beloved characters. We see a little bit more of Jenny coming into her own, albeit in her own weird way, and the beginnings of a Tina / Bette reconciliation. Dana and Alice added a lot more comic relief to the show, as they usually do, but also experienced their first disagreement and weathered it well. Their ongoing sexual exploration is refreshing as we see Dana really stepping outside her comfort zone to please her partner, and Alice making Dana's fantasies come true. That's really listening and being there for your partner, ladies. And now, Carmen and Shane's secret is out in the open, so who knows where that one will go? If we just eliminate the repeated theme song playing, Land Ahoy would be a solid 8 on the ratings scale.

Next on The L Word: Loud and Proud
Against the backdrop of a gay-pride parade, shocking secrets are revealed about Dana's brother and Jenny's past; Bette and Kit deal with their rapidly deteriorating father. Guest stars: Ossie Davis

Don't miss the rest of OutLook where we have several new books reviewed, including titles by Verda Foster, Jacqueline Wallen, Kim Baldwin, and the irrepressible Radclyffe. Also, for budding authors, we have an entire page of publishing companies that are seeking submissions. Get those pens out, dust off that keyboard, and let's see some new stories! I've got room on my bookshelves!

Quote for the Day: Whoopi Goldberg
"Regardless of how nice people are about the gay television characters, now that this 'moral belief' is out there, people can control your life; they're going to make decisions about where you can teach, where you can live, how you can live. Does it open you up for folks coming up to your door and saying, 'I know I'm not going to get in trouble for beating the fuck out of you, so here I go?'" —Whoopi Goldberg, as quoted in The Advocate.

Episode 9 of The L Word sizzled! Lots of revelations, reunions, and "uh-oh" moments. This episode opened with Carmen and Jenny getting out of the shower. Jenny goes to pee (on tip-toe, no less. What? Is she a ballerina now?!), and Carmen has to as well, so she straddles Jenny. You hear "tinkle, tinkle, tinkle" and then suddenly Jenny gasps. Guess they're going to have sex at the same time! Talk about multi-tasking. Sheesh! (And yes, we know there is another term for what they're doing, but this is an entertainment column, not Sexual Terminology 101. Look it up yourself!) Anyway, they start getting it on, while poor Mark’s standing outside the bathroom door, about to die. Shane bangs on the door. "Come on guys, open up!" She bangs repeatedly, but they don't answer, so she opens the door, and freezes: Carmen and Jenny, naked, having sex on the toilet. Good morning to you, too, Shane! Jenny looks down and says "Oh, fuck" 'cause she knows good and well that's going to freak Carmen out. We don't get to witness the ensuing freak-out by Carmen because Shane beats a path the hell out of there! She doesn't say a word, closes the door, looks at Mark and tells him, "Use the bushes."

Now, this begs me to ask. Why in the hell didn't they lock the door? I mean, come on...what goober leaves the door unlocked when you have a male roommate who could possibly want to use the bathroom at any given time? The intelligence of these women amaze me. Of course, a locked door isn't nearly as drama-filled, so it's a good plot point. But still...give me a break!

Next up, we see Mark going through a whole bunch of his videos. "Mark Wayland presents a Compendium of Lesbianism, Volume 1." I like that. We're a compendium now, ladies! The producer from last episode cuts in, "Where’s the fucking pussy?!" Mark interjects: "This could be really huge for us. It’s not just about sex. These women have a way of life. A culture of their own, and it's revelatory, it's anthropological. If we do this right, it could easily be at Sundance. The producer is pissed off, and tells him men want hot lesbian sex, and they want it now! Then he yells at Mark, tells him that he is in direct violation of his contract, and he has to return the money. Mark tries to get Gomey to back him up, but Gomey just shakes his head. Looks like Mark's in a world of hurt.

Over at the newlyweds place, Dana and Alice are on the bed, talking about toys. Alice asks her if she's thought about it. Dana replies, "Oh, you mean the sex toys?" Alice nods yes. Dana tentatively asks, "Can I ask you something?" Sure, says Alice. "Is it a bisexual thing? Trying to have your cake and eat your pussy too?" Alice laughs and says no. Nice little bit. Should be interesting to see where it goes.

At the Dragon Lady...err...Helena's house, we find her on the phone, fighting with Winnie about the kids. Tina’s listening from the bedroom and looks frustrated. She hears Helena hang up and pretends to be asleep. Helena wakes her up. Tina says she's excited about the ultrasound this afternoon, and Helena tells her that she'll swing by the office and pick her up. Tina reminds her, "I’m going with Bette." Disappointed, Helena responds, "Oh, that's right." Tina tries to make nice, like usual. "Dr. Wilson’s office is so close to my apartment, why don't you just come to me afterwards?" Helena doesn't respond, but then later agrees when Tina insists. Poor Helena. Getting your heart broken? Good. Go back to England!!!

Kit and Bette are at The Planet, talking about Benjamin. He's coming to see Kit, but staying at a hotel because of his wife. Okay. This is screwed up! Bette tells Kit that she doesn't want to see her get hurt, but Kit assures her that she knew, going in, what the deal was, and she's fine with it. Bette said she knows the situation, and no matter what, there's always someone who gets hurt. Yeah, no kidding. Cheating is never good. All it does it hurt everyone involved. Listen to your sister, Kit. I think Bette knows what she's talking about here! They chat a bit more, then Bette leaves for the ultrasound with Tina.

Shane's got a new job and is walking into this huge building. She asks the PA who hired her, but doesn't need an answer as she hears the booming and crass voice of Veronica Bloom. Evidently, Veronica is going to be on the cover of the New York Times magazine as the most powerful woman in Hollywood. How about most obnoxious?! Veronica starts in with Shane. "Pretty good, huh Shane?" Shane responds, "I don't know why you requested me, though." Veronica snaps back: "You do hair, don't you? Apparently that's your life's ambition." Shane tells Veronica to not fuck with her. Veronica responds: "How am I fucking with you when I offer you the world on a silver platter? What’s so wrong in seeing the potential in somebody and giving them the chance to make something of themselves. Did I underestimate you, Shane? Or did I just mistake you for a person of substance." Good point, Veronica. For all your irritating loudness, you have a great point. Shane responds, "No. I think you mistook me for one of your little tricks..." Veronica retorts, "Are we getting to some core issues, Shane? Poor Shane. What about the possibility that I am right about you? That you really are better than this life you're living?" Shane stalks over to Veronica and looms over her: "Veronica, listen to what I’m saying to you. I have no magic and there is no mojo. So whatever it is that you think you're looking for, it doesn't exist." Veronica sits quietly, looking at her, then says, "Then why don't you do my fucking hair?" Shane responds, "No, thank you," and walks off. Hit a little close to home, eh, Shane? And while we're on the subject, may I say that Camryn Manheim has done an outstanding job of portraying Veronica Bloom. It's one of the best performances this season!

Jenny is meeting Charlotte Birch at a diner. Charlotte tells her, "You are a compulsive excavator of your own emotional navel lint. A nitpicking, obsessive truth teller...." Jenny goes "Ewww...." and squirms. Gee, Jenny...now you know what we do when you write! Then Charlotte continues: "You actually have the gift to portray the details of a life lived...that's why you need to work with Burr." "Jenny whines: "But I don't like him...he's a homophobe." Burr Connor comes in, sees Jenny and says, "Apparently we're destined for one another." Ugh. On to better storylines.

Alice and Dana are at the sex toy store. A salesgirl walks up saying, "Here's a good way to think about it. An inch in diameter is two fingers inside of you; an inch-and-a-half is three fingers inside of you." Good information to know, although, who can do math while making love? Not me! She rattles on about all the different kind of toys you can buy, so many shapes, sizes. As the salesgirl drones on, Dana reaches over, grabs a toy that's about the size and shape of a microphone, and starts acting goofy with it until the salesgirl tells her it's a butt plug! Poor Dana shoves it back on the shelf and looks ill! Ha! The salesgirl tells them about a new lube, but Alice says that she thinks she's allergic to it. Dana whirls around and asks, "What haven't you done?" Alice smiles and says, "I haven't done lots of things. Besides, I want to do them with you." That pacifies Dana and she starts to relax until she recognizes someone in the store, freaks, then pulls up her sweater and puts on dark shades as Alice wanders off looking for cock rings. Too funny!

At the hospital, Tina is getting an ultrasound of the baby and Bette is with her. As they see the image for the first time, they bond over "their baby." Tina looks adoringly at Bette as Bette reaches up and takes Tina's hand. Yes! It's about time! Yea!!!!!

Back to Burr Connor, Jenny, and Charlotte. Normally, I don't like Jenny, but she said some good stuff here. "I don't like the idea of being tolerated," she says. Charlotte asks why and says it's better than being spat on. "Because it implies that there is something unacceptable about my being gay," Jenny replies. Good for you, Jenny! Burr Connor speaks up and tells them that he thinks it's perfectly acceptable for a girl to be gay these days. Charlotte challenges him about the double standard, needling him about his own perceived sexuality. Burr takes offense, tells her he was speaking hypothetically, then tells Charlotte he's won lawsuits for what she's implying about him. He tells her to fuck off and walks out. Jenny follows him out: "I want to tell you, I agree with what you said. If some male actor came out and said, 'I'm gay' it would be a huge gift to the world, but it would destroy their career." Then she tells Burr not to worry about Charlotte because she's an asshole and she's not God just as Charlotte walks up. I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jenny! Burr looks at Jenny, tells her if she wants to do the book, to come to his house. Oh, joy. More Burr/Jenny moments.

Over at Tina's apartment, she and Bette are putting stuff in the refrigerator, talking about the baby and ultrasound. Tina thanks her for being there. Bette replies, "I loved it more than you can imagine." Tina reaches for her, telling Bette to come here, and they hug. And not just a little hug either. One of those, "oh, my God, you feel so good, let me melt into you..." kind of hugs. "You feel so good,” said Bette. "You smell good," says Tina. As No Other Love by Heart begins to play, they nuzzle one another's hair. Tina brushes Bette's hair back, touches her lips, then leans in for a kiss. Bette is hesitant, letting Tina set the pace. Tina kisses her again and again. She reaches up, takes off Bette's jacket, kisses her again, touches her breasts. Tina's definitely the aggressor here. It cuts to Bette and Tina in bed, making love, as Bette looks close to tears. I can imagine how she feels! She is finally back with her soulmate, they are making love, and for a moment, all is right in the world. Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful!

Over at Shane's, Mark is getting his hair cut by Shane as they're talking about Veronica Bloom and his film. Carmen walks in and Shane tells her that Jenny is working. Carmen says she knows, but that she came to talk to Shane. Uh-oh, here we go. Mark suddenly remembers something he needs to do and takes off to the studio. He switches cameras, watching the exchange between Shane and Carmen. Carmen: "I feel like there is something going on with you and I'd like to know what it is." Shane: "Look, I just...Oh, fuck. It's hard for me. To have you and Jenny in my face all the time. Carmen: "You're having a hard time with it?" Shane sighs and responds, "I'm happy for you guys. Looks like you two are having a blast together...and it's a very good thing." Carmen asks, "Then why would it be so hard for you?" Shane doesn't respond. Carmen continues, "Shane, I want you to look at me. I know how hard you work to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on the planet, but it's not working for you no more." Shane says it is. Carmen shakes her head, "No, it's not because of this," and grabs Shane hand and puts it over her heart. "Most people don't have this." Shane replies, "So what?" Exasperated, Carmen responds: "So what?! So what if nothing ever comes out of this. So what if you never act on it. You are so convinced having a relationship near you will kill you." Shane looks stricken: "Because it will." Sadly, Carmen responds, "And that's why I'm with Jenny. It works because we are both biding our time for the real deal to come along." At this, Shane looks up: "You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?" Carmen replies: "Jenny wouldn’t know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so lost in her own darkness; I think she likes it in there. But you know what's fucked up? You and I know what the real deal is. We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other." Slowly, Shane shakes her head yes. Carmen continues: "You're not living your life, Shane. And if you don't take any risks, then you might as well be dead." The camera pans to Mark, who's been watching all of this, Carmen and Shane holding hands, as he whispers to himself, "Fuck me!"

Tina walks Bette to the door after they make love. Tina: "Bette, I just wanted to tell you that..." Bette interrupts: "I know, I know.... this doesn't mean that we're back together." Tina smiles and says, "Let's not let it mess everything up." Huh? What exactly were you doing having sex then?! Bette promises it won't. They awkwardly kiss at the door, and the moment is gone. Damn!

A few minutes later, Helena comes over to Tina's place, ready to go out, but Tina, of course, has just gotten out of bed with Bette and is still in her robe. Tina wants to stay in. Helena agrees, but wants to go back to her place. "Is there a problem with staying here?" Helena hesitates, and then says, "No, no problem." Then Tina aggressively grabs Helena, starts kissing her, and shoves her up against the wall. Helena's not too thrilled at being manhandled and asks Tina if she's having some sort of hormonal surge here. Tina retorts, "Fuck you." Helena responds, "That is what you seem to want to do." Tina replies: "It is, actually. I just want to fuck all night...and fuck and fuck and fuck." Okay, Tina. Got the picture and right now, I'm thinking you're incredibly crude and vulgar. She throws Helena down on a chair, and shoves her hand up Helena's dress, to which Helena protests and tries to push her off. I'd be protesting, too! Helena speaks up: "I'm not so sure I like this. I don't think I like this." "Why not?" Tina asks. Helena replies: "Because you’re not acting like yourself and I'm not sure I like it." Here's where Tina really goes off the deep end. She starts ranting: "Oh, I see. Is it my apartment? Is it too ordinary for you? Or, uh, maybe it's that you need to be in control all the time. Or maybe you need an audience. That's it. That's what works for you. I don't think you're interested in sex unless there's some sort of risk, or someone's watching, or something else is going on!" She goes to the door, screams out about them having sex. Helena is dumbfounded and says, "Tina, your neighbors!" Tina runs to the front door and screams down the hallway, "Hey, we're about to have sex, me and my girlfriend. You want to come down here and watch us?" Helena asks Tina if she's gone mad? Tina responds that she doesn't know, what do you think? Tina, I think you're seriously screwed in the head is what I think! Helena tries to calm her down: "I think your hormones are raging out of control and I know better than to try and reason with you." That just sets Tina off even worse. "Fucking hormones? I'm not allowed to have feelings anymore?" At that, Helena decides she's going to leave. Tina keeps grabbing her, telling Helena she needs her now, she needs her tonight. She practically begs, but Helena says that she thinks she needs to be alone and she'll call her tomorrow. Helena walks out and Tina stands there, then bursts into tears. She says, "What am I doing?" Sweetheart, we don't know what in the hell you are doing, but get a grip already!

Bette is at Dan Foxworthy's office for her therapy appointment, telling him about forging the friendship with Tina. Then she asks if he thinks she fucked it up by having sex with Tina. Never, ever ask a therapist what they think 'cause they won't tell you! He throws it back at her, "Do you think you fucked it up?" Told ya! Bette continues: "What did it mean? I don't think she wants to get back together with me." Foxworthy asks if she wants to get back with Tina. Bette sits and contemplates the question for a moment, and says, "I don't know." Then he asks how she felt having sex with Tina. Bette replies: "It was fucking amazing. All of the reasons we fell apart disappeared, and it was like I had my life back for just one second. It was also really sad. Because I've lost her. Because she doesn't belong to me anymore. I could feel someone else had been touching her, making love to her. I felt that other person and her connection to that other person. Tina did things we had never done together. She was so...free. I always treated her gingerly, as a fragile thing. But now, even pregnant, she's unbreakable." Bette begins to cry, telling Foxworthy that it was shocking that Tina was so sure of herself. He reminds Bette that Tina's been through a lot this year: a break-up, new career, and pregnancy, and that can change a person; make them stronger. He asks Bette if she doesn't think that might be a good thing. Bette replies, "Of course it's a good thing. It just means she doesn't need me anymore." Aw, man, that makes your heart break!

Cut to Dana in dark glasses going to the sex toy store by herself. That's all. While it's cool to see her going to the store, this was really a throwaway scene. Wasn't long enough for anything to follow an emotional scene like the one above.

Jenny goes looking in Mark's shed for the Burr Connor DVDs and sees all this video equipment Mark has set-up. She starts snooping, and sees a tape labeled: "Shane / Carmen Love Confession." Uh-oh. Here it comes!

Cut to Bette at the CAC, talking with an assistant about an upcoming show. Helena walks in, then offers to add an artist to the budget. Bette tries to tell her that they're in the middle of a meeting. Helena responds that she's offering to underwrite Allyn's entire retrospective and wants to see the budget, but Bette says no. Helena then offers to go to Leo instead, which is not really an offer but a threat. Bette tells her that's not how she likes to work. They stand there, waiting for Helena to leave, but she informs them she's going to sit and listen for awhile. What a jerk!

Jenny's watching the tape of Carmen and Shane talking and hears the "real deal" comments that Carmen made about Jenny, and how she was screwed up and all. You have to admit, for all Jenny's weirdness, that was tough to hear. I kinda felt sorry for her.

Helena calls Tina from the CAC. "You're coming over to my house tonight," she says. Tina asks if she's sure she wants to see her, what about the hormonal fits? Helena apologies, then Tina starts chewing her out: "Look, if you want me in your life? You have to understand one thing. I'm not some sort of toy you can take down off the shelf and play with whenever it suits your mood. Understand?" Helena says she's not a toy, but Tina continues: "And if we have some sort of disagreement, the fact I'm pregnant? It’s not fair game. I don't want to be reduced to some sort of raging hormonal lunatic." Um, Tina? You were. Take our word for it. Helena promises it will never happen again. I'm sorry, but Tina's the one that needed to be apologizing, not Helena. I'm not a big Helena fan at all, but Tina behavior was abhorrent! I would be appalled if my lover grabbed me, shoved me up against a wall acting as Tina did, then shoved their hand up my dress like some two-bit hooker! I mean, there's a time and place for hot and raw sex, and nothing wrong with being pushed up against a wall in the heat of passion, but acting like a crazed lunatic, shoving your girlfriend, and screaming for the neighbors to watch while doing it isn't cool. I think the wrong one apologized here! They eventually agree to have dinner, and Helena's let the kitchen staff go so she can impress Tina with all her hard work. Oh, joy.

Kit's got this great romantic dinner ready for Benjamin when the phone rings. Benjamin tells her that his Mama is in the hospital. Kit tells him not to worry about it, that it's his family and he needs to be there for them. Then she tells her assistant to just put the dinner on the menu. Poor Kit! Bette was right. Someone always gets hurt when you cheat.

Ivan is running an AA meeting when in walks Kit. "Hey pretty lady, looks like you have something you want to share tonight." Kit responds, "I'm Kit and I got stood up tonight. I got stood up tonight, and I looked over at that bottle of wine sitting on that table, that I sat for him. I was sad, and thought 'fuck it...I want that bottle of wine.' I’m so damn lonely..." Looking directly at Ivan: "I just wanted to be around somebody who would listen to me. So I came here." Man, that just hurts hearing poor Kit say she's lonely. Lonely sucks.

Ivan takes Kit to a club and a dancer comes up to Ivan, kisses her. Ivan introduces the woman to Kit as Iris. Kit wants to take off, but Ivan won't let her. So Iris asks if she's in the program, Kit nods yes, then they go sit down. Iris asks, "So, you know each other from the program." Ivan answers for Kit: "Kit owns The Planet." Iris responds, "That lesbian place you invested in..." Kit tries to tell her it's not just a lesbian place. Iris responds that Ivan's tried to take her there a couple times, but it's just not her scene. Kit responds that maybe she shouldn't pass judgment until she's actually been there. Iris responds, "I just don't hang out with lesbians that much. Too much drama. I remember this one time, when Ivan and I first started seeing each other, about five years ago..."

Kit looks at Ivan with a shocked look and says, "Five years ago?!" Iris cuts in, "Yeah, been about that long." Kit looks at Ivan again, "You mean, you been seeing each other for the last five years?" Iris finally gets a clue and says that it seems that Kit and Ivan have some unfinished business. No kidding! "Kit turns to Ivan and says, "You're doing this thing and trying to romance me?" Ivan responds: "Kit, you're going down a real bad road here." Kit agrees: "A very bad road. A road of lies!" Ivan tries to defend herself: "We never discussed monogamy, okay? We didn't get that far. But if we had, I would have explained to you that it doesn't work for me." "And I would have told you to fuck off," Kit retorts. Good for you! So Ivan tries a different tactic, attacking Kit about Benjamin. "And now you're seeing a married man?" Kit retorts, "Oh, don't you even go there. You, of all people, know better not try to pass judgment. Ivan goes on about how Kit's deceiving someone, lying to someone's wife, but Kit won't have any of it. She looks at Ivan and says, "And the way you’re living your life?! I gotta get the fuck out of here!" and picks up and leaves. Good for you, Kit! That was major bull!

Back at Burr Connor's, Jenny is pouring out her heart to Burr. "I'm such a fucking idiot. It was so obvious that all this was going to happen. Every time I think everything is going really well, it all fucks up. And I think that maybe I’m one of those people that doesn't deserve to be happy." Well, Jenny girl, the handwriting was on the wall, and you even told Carmen a couple episodes ago that she liked Shane. What made you think that had changed?! Although, I do have to admit, I kinda feel sorry for her. That was brutal hearing Carmen say those things. Burr Connor tries to console Jenny, then tells his sob story. He's a closet queen (surprise, surprise), and ruined the life of the man he loved: Rod Sebring, his co-star from 20 years ago because he was afraid of being outed. He spills his guts, then tells Jenny, "You do realize that you're fired." Will she ever keep a job?! Then he proceeds to tell her if he ever reads about any of this anywhere, he'll have her killed. Gee, Burr, you're such a nice guy. Can we pay you to off Jenny? Please?!

Helena is showing Tina the children's rooms she's prepared in anticipation of winning the custody hearing. Tina comments that her kids are lucky as Helena takes her down one more door: "One more...for you...and her." Tina’s overwhelmed: "I don't know what to say. It’s dazzling. It’s so beautiful. It is truly amazing. But Helena...I..." Helena interrupts: "It's for when you both stay. I just did it because I wanted to. Okay?" Yeah, right. And pigs fly!

We cut back to Bette at her house, hanging the glass mobile she got a few weeks back, and preparing a room for the baby as well. Of course, this one isn't as grand as Helena's, but I'd take Bette's simple, loving room over the ostentation of Helena's anyday. You just can't buy someone, Helena! Bette looks up, gazes at the mobile, and says, "I hope you like it. Both of you."

Over at Alice and Dana’s, Dana’s in the bathroom. Alice is sitting on the bed, waiting patiently, as Dana tells her it'll just be a few minutes. Then we hear a thud. Poor klutzy Dana! Alice calls out, "Are you all right?" "Yeah!" says Dana. Then Dana asks, "Ready?" Alice says she is totally ready. Dana comes out and tells her, "Don't laugh, okay?" Dana's naked and walking shyly across the room with a strap-on and harness. With a hungry look in her eyes, Alice crawls across the bed and takes Dana's hand, saying, "Who's laughing?" I have to say, this was well done. Any new relationship can be fraught with vulnerabilities when it comes to the bedroom. What is fun and enjoyable to one may be totally foreign to the other, and it's sometimes difficult to actually say what it is you want or need without fear of ridicule, or worse, rejection. For Dana to go outside her comfort zone for Alice, and be willing to wear the strap-on, even though she'd never done it and actually had some hesitations about it, speaks a lot about her love and commitment to Alice. That's what it's about, ladies: listening to the one you love and being willing to stretch those restraints we sometimes bind ourselves up with (no pun intended). Get outside your comfort zone and find out what it's like to live and love to the fullest! Dana and Alice surely did!

Next Week on The L Word: Land Ahoy
A Olivia cruise in the Caribbean proves eventful for Dana, Alice, Shane, Jenny and Carmen; Bette and Kit struggle to connect with their aging father Melvin (the late Ossie Davis) during a visit. Guest stars Charles S. Dutton and Ossie Davis. Also, we have a first person account of an Olivia Cruise, so make sure to check out the beautiful pictures and great article by our dear friend, Kirstie Tindale.

Loyal is the perfect title for the eighth episode of The L Word and what a perfect episode it was! It starts out with a cowboy movie sequence, and at first, you just know Jenny's changed genres with her writing. However, it's a bit of foreshadowing for a later encounter in the episode. Whew! Don't think I could take Jenny doing cowboy westerns. The carnival's bad enough!

This segment finds an 80's action star walking in on his co-star being boinked by some hot young stud. The star, Burr Connor played by Tony Goldwyn (Ghost), grabs the kid, tosses him out of the trailer, then proceeds to chew his co-star out for being an "ass bandit." That's a new one on me! If you remember from last episode, Burr Connor is the guy Jenny's supposed to help write his memoirs. Hmm....looks to be a homophobe. Watch out, Jenny.

Next up, we find Dana and Alice in bed. Isn't this where they were last week?! Oh, yeah, right...they're a new couple and that's what we lesbians do: stay in bed for days on end in the beginning. Mea culpa. Anyway, they've obviously done nothing but make love all weekend and are getting ready to again until Dana looks at the clock and freaks. Once they both realize it is Monday, Alice starts freaking out because she has an interview at a radio station, but has nothing for her once-a-week, three-minute spot. Asking for ideas, Dana cracks that she should talk about "people who ruin their lives because they can't stop having sex!" Funny! More hilarity to come later. I mean, this is Alice and Dana after all. They make me laugh more than any couple on here.

We find Shane looking in a mirror at her face, which is all bruised up from the beating she took last week. Then you realize it's not live, but Mark watching Shane looking at herself in the mirror. Okay, this is getting way too weird for me. Ick. Quit being so creepy, Mark. You were actually halfway decent last week, saving Shane from getting her butt kicked, so stop it already! You're acting like a lovesick pup, and trust me, Shane isn't going to take you home!

Over at The Planet, Tina comes in to meet with Bette. Bette starts talking about going back to Dan Foxworthy, the therapist they both saw the first season. Tina tells her she doesn't think so, that she just wants to focus on the baby. But Bette clarifies that she's thinking of doing it for herself, alone. The smile on Tina's face says what she thinks about that. She's thrilled and tells Bette so.


Then Bette says, "Can I just say one thing?" Tina: "You can say anything you want." Bette reminds her that she really can't, but then she proceeds, "I never got to say how happy I am for you...for us." Tina chokes up a bit, then tells Bette she's glad she's happy, that it should be her happiness, too. Finally! About time, Tina! Then she says, "Let's...um...just focus on being really good parents...it'll be a new kind of partnership for us" as they toast and smile tentatively at one another.

Carmen and Shane are walking to The Planet, talking about Charlotte Birch. Jenny can't quite figure out Birch, and Carmen interrupts, telling Jenny that she thinks that Jenny's crushing on Charlotte. Jenny denies it. Carmen encourages her to go for it, which is exactly what Jenny does not want to hear. Jenny says fuck you, and Carmen responds: "You want me to be jealous?" Jenny, like a five-year-old, shakes her head yes. Carmen looks at her, then responds, "Well, if you think about fucking her, I will kill you." Evidently, that's what Jenny needed to hear and she grabs Carmen, kissing her hard. Sorry, but Jenny is still one weird chick! Too friggin' weird for me!

Back inside The Planet, Tina and Bette are talking about Tina's next doctor's appointment. Tina says, "My next sonogram is Wednesday, the 7th, at 10 a.m." Bette responds, "Well, I'd love to be there...I mean, if that's okay with you." Tina shyly smiles and says "Okay" just as Helena walks in. Aarrgghh! Go away, Dragon Lady! Then Helena proceeds to tell Tina the real estate person has four listings lined up for "them" and tells Bette that "they" are real estate hunting. Tina quickly interjects, correcting Helena, and stating that Helena is trying to find a house in L.A. Helena goes on about how the Chateau Marmont is so tedious, with everyone offering her blow or wanting her to finance independent films starring Maggie Gyllenhall. "All totally unsolicited, I'm sure," comments Bette. "Totally," Helena retorts back. Hmm...cat fight, cat fight! Tina cuts in, tells Bette she'll see her on the 7th, and thus avoids the cat fight we all knew was coming! Darn! Bette could take her, we know it!

We find Mark and his best scuzzy buddy, Gomey, sitting with a producer, talking about Mark's "documentary." The producer is obviously the Jerry Springer of scuz, because he tells them reality TV has to have something to draw the people in, so he'll need "...pussy that people can smell and taste." Oh, how disgustingly immature and pathetic can you be?! Mark tries to explain that what he's doing has more of a documentary feel, not quite so exploitative, but the producer doesn't want to hear it. Gomey interjects, promising that they'll give him "hot lesbian pussy" and that seems to put Mark off, but gives the producer some hope. All I can say is it's totally disgusting and on the level of a 14-year-old boy without a clue. Mark tells the guy he'll work on cutting something together, but you can tell he's not happy with the outcome at all.


We find Dana lifting barbells on the bed, while Alice is working on her Powerbook. Alice is talking about her radio interview, and is speaking in this funky voice about consumerism, Iraq, clothing, and all these subjects that really don't make a lick of sense. Dana gives minor criticism about her copy, which Alice doesn't take well. Dana then asks, "What are you doing to your voice?" "It's my radio commentator voice," responds Alice, "You have to have one. Can I continue?" Not thrilled to being interrupted and critiqued, Alice continues with her spiel while Dana makes a face and keeps listing weights. Dana just can't shut up and asks Alice, "Is consumerism the right word?" to which Alice glares at her. Uh-oh! Trouble in paradise!


Tina and Helena are in this incredibly huge mansion, as the real estate agent tells Helena about the previous owner. Helena cuts the man off short, telling him not to try and impress her with the previous owner's pathetic movies. She's just too good for her own britches, I tell you! Tina says she's going to go look around, but Helena grabs her and tells her not to go too far, pulling her in for a kiss right in front of the real estate agent, who discreetly looks away. I'm beginning to think this woman is an exhibitionist who can only get off when there's an audience. She's one sick ticket! Tina is still looking around the real estate property. Helena says that it's a little vulgar, but amusing. Must be nice to have that kind of money to find a multi-million dollar property amusing and vulgar. Tina asks if she could live like this, as you know Tina's just not wowed by all of it. Helena says they need to findout and starts pushing Tina up on a low table to f*ck her (sorry, I hate that word, but this isn't making love in my opinion). Helena muses that she can't buy a property like this if it'snot conducive to "this" meaning sex. Tina's quite uncomfortable, but doesn't make her stop until the real estate agent walks in, talking about the his-and-hers matching closets. Once he sees Helena and Tina in the intimate situation, he revises it to hers-and-hers. Poor guy! Can't believe Helena is that crude for all the breeding she pretends to have.


Shane walks out of the house as Mark comes up. Mark says he's been worried about her, but she doesn't respond. He wants to know where she's off to. She responds a job. He wants to know a Veronica Bloom job or hair job. Shane says a day hair job, then Mark says to have a good one. You start getting the feeling at this point that Mark does have a thing for Shane. Back inside the garage where Mark lives, his buddy Gomey is looking over the footage Mark has, lamenting the fact that all these lesbians do is talk and sometimes eat. Oh, my gosh, you mean lesbians are humans that talk and eat, too? We don't just stay in bed all the time, boys?! Get a clue! He sees the Shane footage and starts asking questions, until Mark pushes him away. A lightbulb goes off, probably the first one ever for Gomey. He tells Mark, "it's some total lez who won't give you the time of day and you're total rock hard for her! I bet you sit here all night, jackin' off, while you watch her sleep!" Mark throws Gomey across the room. Gomey starts yelling at him, how they've been best friends for so long, and he's throwing it away for a chick "..a girl who is never gonna be with you. You have a real live dick and it disqualifies you from getting up in there." Gettin' up in there? Gomey, if you have a girlfriend, I'd be surprised! You're about the most crude person I've ever seen!

Franklin walks into Bette's office at the CAC with Leo, announcing that Helena Peabody is going to join the CAC board. Poor Bette! He also mentions that Helena is going to be bringing Allyn Barnes with her to the first board meeting, and that they have somethings they want to put together for the board meeting. Bette says she wants to be in on it, but Franklin cuts her off, telling her that is Leo's strength and to let him do it. Bette reaches into one of her drawers, pulls out a bar of chocolate, and viciously bites into it. Hey, Bette! If it will help, I'll cook little chocolate voo-doo dolls of Helena and you can bite her head off!

Back to Tina and Helena, still looking at houses. They walk into this one that Tina recognizes as some house Bette had admired in Architectural Digest. She tells Helena that, and you know that's all Helena needs. They continue looking through when Helena gets a phone call from Walter. We can only surmise that Walter is some poor shrek that works for the Dragon Lady. She proceeds to yell at him, telling him she wants her children with her! So obviously, Helena is going to go after Winnie's kids. What a total bitch! As Tina walks down the stairs, she comments to Helena that she loves it, so Helena says "I'll take it." Of course you will, you ingratiating, ego-maniacal...uh...nevermind. We have to go fan ourselves! Oh, and Tina, look at yourself. Look where you are in the stairs. Helena will pull you down that sucking circle in a heartbeat if she feels like it. Run, Tina, Run!

This next segment is kinda weird. First off, I'm not sure how Winnie Mann ended up on Bette's doorstep, but for what it's worth, here she is. Helena's ex-, Winnie Mann visits Bette with her kids in tow. She wants Bette to be a character witness at the custody hearing in court six weeks from now. Bette would love to, of course, but she also knows that if she does, she could jeopardize whatever chances she may have with Tina. Bette says that she'd love nothing more than to stand up in court and say what she thinks of Helena, but she's not sure if it's a good idea. Winnie continues to try and convince her. Bette inquires as to how the two of them got together, so Winnie shares how she had a play underwritten by Helena, then the next thing she knew, she had a full theater company and was living in a five-million dollar loft. She said that Helena knew she wanted children, so she made it happen. She said Helena was in the business of making dreams come true until she decides to co-opt them for herself. She also gave Bette a tip. She said that Helena loves to do nothing more than bait a person, and the best response is to not respond. If she doesn't get a response, it infuriates her. Best tip she could have ever given Bette!

Alice is still trying to come up with something for her radio spot, but Dana says that while it's good, it's just not funny. It makes Alice mad, but Dana tries to explain. She says that Alice is a funny lady and that's one of the things that she loves about her...and that she's not the only one. Alice responds that she doesn't like Dana very much right now. Dana smiles, takes Alice's pen and paper away, and pulls Alice's legs around her saying "It makes me so hot when you're angry." "Oh, yeah?" retorts Alice. "Oh, yeah." Oh, yeah...these two are too funny! Alice starts to giggle, telling Dana she's totally topping her again. Dana: "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the feathers, pillow queen!" Alice asks, "Have you always been a top?" Dana says she's not. Alice says, "Yeah, you are." As Dana falls over on her, Alice whispers in her ear, "You know what I want you to do? I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on." Dana pulls up, looking a bit scared, and tells Alice, "I don't know if I can do that." Alice tells her, "You're doing it right now without even using one." They dissolve into pillow talk and Dana says she'll do it. Hmm, this should be interesting.

Shane goes into her room and Carmen walks in behind her. Carmen says, "I just saw you out there and it looks like you were hiding." Shane says she's not hiding, but Carmen says she doesn't believe her. Shane picks up her keys, but Carmen takes them away and throws them across the room. Seeing the bruises on Shane's face, Carmen freaks and asks "Who did this to you? I will fucking kill them! Who did this to you?" Shane grabs her hand and tells her that she did it to her, Carmen did it! Carmen looks at her increduously and says, "What? Fuck you!" and walks out. Shane grabs her before she gets out the door and says wait. She tells her it was a fucked up thing to say. Carmen says that maybe they should talk and see...but Shane cuts her off. Shane tells her they should just forget what she said and go back to being friends. Carmen asks, "Is that what you want?" Shane responds, "Really. A lot." Then she opens the door for Carmen to leave. You and I both know that isn't what Shane wants, but why she can't admit it, I don't know. Stick around, though, as I think we may soon find out!

Mark comes in later, looking for Shane, asking Jenny and Carmen where she's at. At the mention of Shane, Carmen pulls back a bit from Jenny. How many times does this have to happen before Jenny gets a clue? Sheesh!

We find out where Shane is. She went to confession! "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 16 years since my last confession." "And what brought you here tonight," asks the priest. "Everyone wants something from me and I don't feel like I have anything left to give." The priest asks Shane what she has been giving up until now. Choking back tears, Shane replies, "Sex. That's mainly what people want. I don't even know at this point, I don't know." He asks her if she feels she has to have sex with everyone who wants it and Shane responds that in church, she didn't. Now we get to find out a little bit about Shane's past. She tells the priest that she used to live in a church shelter when she was around 10. And that she ran away from her foster family because someone had told her that her real Mom was living in a church shelter in Austin, trying to get clean. The priest asks if her mother was a drug addict, to which Shane responds yes. Then he asks if Shane had considered joining a church group, but Shane says she doesn't like groups. She says, "The thing I like about confession is you don't have to see the other person's face, and you don't have to see how hurt they are when they realize that you can't be that thing they want you to be." Wow! What a huge reveal for Shane! The priest tells her that she just might find that people don't want anything from her, that they just want to know her, but Shane says she hasn't met anyone like that and that besides, there's nothing to know. She stands to leave as the priest asks her to just consider it. An incredibly emotional segment and Kate Moenning did a smash-up job acting. Absolutely moving and incredibly poignant. Kudos, Kate!

For a little comic relief, next we see Alice stepping out of the shower and discovering that a night of passion has left traces of hickeys on both their necks! Dana's freaking out, but Alice tells her nonchalantly that it wasn't intentional. A few seconds later, Alice sees that she has marks all over her neck as well, and she's not quite so nonchalant this time! She freaks, telling Dana she has an interview, as Dana retorts that she has a photo shoot as the first gay tennis player ever on their cover. What's that old saying, "What's good for the goose...?" Oops...watch the teeth next time, girls!

The whole gang is at The Planet (does anyone ever work on this show?!), when Dana and Alice come walking in with scarves and turtlenecks on. How obvious, girls! Everyone comments how they haven't seen 'em lately, and they respond, at the same time, that they've been working/training. Everyone cracks up laughing 'cause they know better. Then Tina walks up behind them and says they've been having sex. Trailing behind is Helena as everyone stops laughing. Bette, much to my surprise, invites Tina and Helena to join them as everyone looks at her like she's crazy! Tina looks surprised and says that's really nice. Guess Bette's taking Winnie's advice! Jenny says that they were just saying that Dana and Alice had been having sex, when Helena reaches over and takes Tina's hand, saying that they're in good company. How absolutely crude can this woman be? She's in the midst of Tina and Bette's friends, and has the nerve to let everyone know she's doing Tina! Aarrgghh! Where's Jenny's carnival scene when you need one?! And Tina? How can you sit there and let her do that?!

They all continue to tease Alice and Dana about having sex, when they find out the two are also covered in hickeys! Helena stands up, carries this scarf over to Alice and wraps it around her neck. Alice says it's expensive, and Hermés, and she can't take it, to which Helena says because she knew it was Hermés, she can keep it. Gag me now! That's about all Bette can take as she stands, saying she needs to get to work. Helena tells her not to run off, but Bette says that's not an option for her. Helena says that she can just say that she's having breakfast with one of her board members, much to everyone's surprise. Kit quietly looks at Bette and says, "You gotta be kiddin' me?!" Bette announces that Helena is now one of the new board members at the CAC. Helena then invites Bette to come over later that evening after the meeting, saying that "Tina and I have found a house." You have to give Bette credit here. She stands there with elegance and grace, not looking surprised or, if it were me, absolutely crushed. Tina quickly corrects what Helena says, stating that "No, Helena has found a house." Helena tries to recoup, inviting everyone over for a housewarming party. Everyone looks around, incredibly uncomfortable, as Tina tries to smooth things over. She tells them it's an amazing house, then focuses on Bette, telling her it's that one in Architectural Digest that she liked so well. They all kind of look to Bette, to see her reaction. Bette responds that she might come, if she's not too tired. Well done, Bette. Handled with grace, even though Helena was doing her best to throw it in your face. What a class act you are!

Over at Shane's, we find Mark and Shane in the kitchen, talking. Mark asks if he's done something to offend Shane, but she says no. Then she tells him that if she didn't adequately thank him for what he did, she is now. Mark goes on about this whole Samurai thing, about saving her life and all that, it being an honor. It was a convoluted storyline and to be honest, I wasn't really interested. Anyway, according to Mark, he now owes Shane his life because he saved hers. Hmm....I didn't think the Samurai thing worked like that, but what do I know? So, basically Mark is her servant now. This just gets more and more weird!

Jenny goes over to Burr Connor's to talk about the book she is going to ghostwrite for him. Big macho film star asks her all kinds of questions, then she reveals something about Carmen being her "girlfriend." That's all Burr Connor needs as he tells her he'll be in touch. Quickly, Jenny figures him for a homophobe and asks if he's firing her because she's gay. He responds that he wasn't aware that he had hired her. So, Jenny's first job is down the tubes because she's gay. Welcome to our world, Jenny.

Alice is still at The Planet, talking to Kit, but Kit's busy with her new chef. Alice looks over and there's Gabby Deveaux (Guin Turner) from the first season. She and Gabby talk a bit about Gabby's new girlfriend. She tells Alice that she's so in love. Alice asks who, but Gabby says she doesn't know her. Oh, yeah? Next thing you know, Alice's mouth drops open as guess who walks in? Lara Perkins, Dana's love from the first season! Uh-oh....this could be trouble in paradise! Lara asks how Dana is and Alice says fine, that she's great actually. Next thing you know, Alice is getting the hell out of Dodge she's so rattled!

Poor Alice! Totally rattled, she takes off to her radio interview, completely forgetting what she's going to talk about. She just starts talking to her friend, Mimi, about seeing her girlfriend's ex-, and her ex- as well, as Mimi turns to the radio producer and tells him to keep it rolling. Alice just goes on and on about "the chart" and how it shows how randomly connected we all are through sex. She says it's about entanglements; it's got relationships, one-night stands, it pretty much has everything. She talks about how she's connected to Tina who is connected to Helena, which makes Helena connected to her. On and on, Alice rambles, going through Warren Beatty, presidential interns, and Monica Lewinsky, until she finally stops and apologizes. Mimi kind of laughs, tells her it's okay, and walks off. Poor Alice doesn't realize she's been recorded the whole time!

At the CAC, Bette introduces Helena Peabody to the board. Franklin doesn't think she gives Helena enough kudos and stands to drool all over her. Helena then introduces Allyn Barnes as one of the most important living artists of their time. Bette responds that no one knows her work inside the art world, let alone outside the art world. Leo and Helena look about ready to panic, thinking that Bette is putting Allyn down for being a recluse. Helena tells Bette that she's not up with the times. Bette continues forth, talking about how they cannot have a show of Allyn Barnes work if they don't show one piece in particular called "Season in Hell" and says that she wrote her graduate thesis on that piece. Bette admits that it was crude and Allyn Barnes interrupts her, saying she was furious! Bette tries to say she knows it wasn't that good, thinking Barnes is mad about that, but Barnes tells her that Bette was the first person in 15 years to penetrate her anonymity! Bette said she had to scale three fences to get to the work and was almost shot, to which Barnes laughs and says, "You were almost shot!" Then she goes on to say that it was the best piece ever written about her work, that Bette truly understood what she was trying to say through her art. Helena looks about ready to swallow an egg at the bonding between Bette and Barnes. Way to go, Bette! Looks like Helena's little plan backfired in her face!

Shane invites Mark to come hang out with her, but he doesn't want to. Then she tells him as her servant he has to, so he agrees. Oh, geez...that's all we need: Shane and Mark bonding.

Alice and Dana are getting dressed, ready to go out and they're talking about how well Alice's interview went. Dana asks her what made her change her mind and talk about The Chart? Alice fudges the truth and says that she didn't know. Then she said she ran into Gabby Deveaux. She said Gabby was all like, "Oh, let's be friends," and Alice said she just didn't understand why lesbians want to have deep, yet sexless relationships with an ex- who treated them shitty and cheated on them! Dana says that she doesn't necessarily think it's a good idea for them to be friends with their exes. Alice asks, "What if one of your exes showed up like that?" not telling Dana she's seen Lara. Dana says that she's not ready to be friends with Tonya. Alice says, "What about Lara?" Dana said, "I haven't even thought about Lara in a long time. I don't know. I guess we could be friends. Unless you don't want me to." Alice doesn't say anything, but looks thoughtfully at Dana as the phone rings. Just in the nick of time, Alice.

Tina and Helena are sitting in Helena's new house, with tons of food set out for the housewarming party. However, no one is there and Helena is pissed off. She asks Tina if this is an L.A. thing. "You invite people over and they don't show up?" Tina says it is. Helena tells her that it's not fine with her. Tina says that next time they'll send out formal invitations. Helena retorts that she's not so sure there's going to be a next time as she's not very forgiving when it comes to social transgressions. Excuse me? Ms. I Like to Flaunt Who I'm Screwing In Front of Her Ex-Girlfriend and Her Friends?! Puh-lease! We're glad you're mad. Now pack your bags and go home!

Over at Bette's, she stands alone in the kitchen, drinking a glass of wine. The doorbell rings and she opens it to the entire gang: Jenny, Carmen, Shane, Mark, Alice, and Dana! Everyone's come to support Bette instead of going to Tina and Helena's. They all spill into Bette's, ordering pizza, laughing, talking, as Bette stands there amazed. She asks why they're here and they give all these excuses until Shane finally says, "Besides, it's family night." Shane, I couldn't have said it better myself.

In all, Loyal is one of the better episodes this season. The writers are cranking up the emotional charge, really getting some fantastic acting out of Kate Moenning, Jennifer Beals, and Rachael Shelley. Yes, we love to hate Helena, but you have to give Rachael Shelley props for doing such a great job of creating a character we love to hate! On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give Loyal a solid 8. Can't wait to see more!

Next Week on The L Word: Late, Later, Latent
Alice's sex-toy request freaks out Dana; Jenny learns the truth about TV star Burr Connor and about Carmen's feelings for Shane; Bette and Tina have a brief encounter. Guest stars include Tony Goldwyn, Sandra Bernhard, Kelly Lynch, and Camryn Manheim.

Just when you thought it was safe to come in from the water! Luminous, episode seven of The L Word, starts out with a dream writing sequence! Aarrggh! The good news? It wasn't one of Jenny's carnival scenes. The bad news? The unknown writer is actually worse than Jenny! This scene includes Charlotte Birch, Hunter, and Jenny in a bad French short, complete with subtitles! You knew it had to have Jenny at some point, didn't you? Thankfully, it only lasts a few seconds and then the good part of TLW starts!

We open with Alice and Dana cuddling in bed, with the camera hovering above and moving in slowly. Nice camera work, ladies! They are discussing the fact they need to tell their friends that they're a couple now. Alice brings up how the dynamic of a group of friends changes once two friends become girlfriends, with the "If we invite Alice, do we have to invite Dana now?" to which Dana looks a bit peeved, saying "Thanks a lot, Al." Even though Alice is right on the money because it does change things, it's still a funny bit. Especially seeing Dana's reaction.

Over at Tim's old house, Mark and Jenny are sitting outside, discussing Shane. Mark is still intrigued with the power that Shane holds over women and is grilling Jenny about it: What is it? Is it sex? What did Carmen say about sex with Shane? Crude questions that Jenny finds insulting and she tells Mark that he's even weirder than she is. Not sure if that's possible, but if the comment fits...

Next we find Tina in bed with Dragon Lady...uh...Helena. They're having a cozy time of it when the door bursts open and in comes Helena's children! Tina looks incredibly freaked out as she gathers the covers over her naked body, all the while Helena reassures her it is okay. Tina argues that it's not okay, but Helena cuts her off, stating that her children have a very healthy attitude.... Tina cuts in and tells her it's not okay, they shouldn't be seeing this and that it freaked her out. Helena responds, "Children are sexual creatures, this is totally natural." Tina retorts, "It's not natural for them to see their mother fucking someone they barely know." Right on, Tina! What kind of mother lets their children walk in while they're in bed, having or preparing to have, sex with anyone?! Bad mother, Helena, bad mother! Helena scowls and tells Tina that she's not a parent, that she's been doing this for awhile; basically the same stuff Bette used to do: put Tina down or belittle her. Then she switches subjects and tells Tina if she's "good" she'll let her know what she has in store for her this weekend. What? Is Tina five?! Tina responds that she has a workshop this weekend and can't. Then Helena drops the bomb. She tells Tina she's already spoke to her employees, Pat and Hilma, and told them they could handle it without Tina. Tina is stunned, and from the look on her face, struggling to keep her composure. She's pissed! Keep up the alpha bitch act, Helena, and Tina will be sending you to join Bette's!

Over at the CAC, Bette strolls into Leo Herrera's office. He's the new guy in charge of fundraising, and also a buddy of Helena Peabody. Bette is extremely professional with him, icy and cold, but professional. He decides they need to "clear the air" and wants her to sit down to talk with him. Right off the bat, he lets her know they "need" Helena Peabody. Not a good way to keep the peace, Leo. As he blathers on, you can see Bette's face tightening, until he drops the big one. He tells Bette he saw her ex-, Tina, the other night with Helena and that "they are so excited about the baby." You have to admire Bette's style. She smiles a tight smile, then leaves his office. She's better than me. I think I would have smacked him! Going into her office, she calls Tina and at first is rude: "Hi, it's Bette. And I would really love it if you could return some of my phone calls." Then she softens. "I know you really don't want to deal with this right now, but I have to have some kind of resolution before the baby is born. Please call me." Yes, Tina, please call her! Geez, Bette screwed up, okay? She's begging here!

Over at the movie studio, we find Veronica Bloom throwing another temper tantrum. Are all Hollywood producers this immature and unprofessional? She berates her staff, throws things at them, then screams for them all to leave, except for poor Shane, of course. Yoda, I mean Shane, asks if she can get Veronica anything, and Veronica despondently asks her why people always let her down. She asks Shane how she can prevent that. Shane says that's why she tries not to need anything from anyone. Veronica asks Shane to teach her that. Then she decides they're going to go make themselves feel better. Man, this woman has multiple personalities, I swear! Shane, run for your life. She's nuts!

As we have come to expect, Jenny is writing. Badly. Again. This time, the article is called "Luminous." Real original, writers! Anyway, a little girl goes to the circus looking for the Fabulous Venus de Mylar. Instead, she finds a grungy old guy looking rather hung-over. He goes back into his tiny trailer and comes back out in his wig and platform shoes. She introduces herself: Dee Dee Steinberg, as they sit and talk. She tells him wants to join the carnival, that she doesn't belong anywhere, and everyone thinks she's a freak. He asks if she has talent, so she pulls up her dress and shows him. He says "Holy Bejesus...but it will never fly in Peoria" just as the camera cuts to Jenny reading her story in Charlotte Birch's writing class. Birch asks for critiques, so Hunter begins to offer his opinion. He praises Jenny profusely, to which Charlotte Birch seems a bit miffed. Hunter is, after all, the student she is boffing. She engages in a tête-à-tête with Hunter, sitting on his desk, as the rest of the class rolls their eyes, Jenny included. Boring. Oh, and Jenny? That's what we normally look like when you're writing, so get a clue!

We cut back to Shane as she watches Veronica Bloom in the midst of what appears to be an incredibly painful chemical peel. If beauty is only skin deep, I doubt if Veronica has anything left after this torturous ordeal! Ouch! She's trying to convince Shane that she could be a lesbian. (No, we don't want her!) Shane tells her that women are intense. A lot of work. That they can suck you dry. (Boy, Shane, are you ever right! You hit it on the money!) Veronica doesn't care. Then she tells Shane to stick with her, that she has lots of potential, and if she sticks with her, she'll help her realize it. Like I said, Shane. Run!!!!

Bette drops into Leigh Ostin's art studio, an artist who makes glass mobiles, and also happens to be a lesbian. As Bette gathers her courage, you know she's getting ready to ask the artist out. Bette begins telling her about a performance at The Planet by Sharon Isbin, a renowned classical guitarist in real life, and invites her to go, telling her it would be a rather intimate gathering. Just as she does, the woman's girlfriend walks out and Leigh asks if she can come, too. Poor Bette. Finally gets the nerve up to do something and the woman has a girlfriend. Isn't that what always happens?! As always, though, Bette handles it with style and grace.

Since Dana is supposed to be a professional tennis player, we actually find her working out a little. She and Alice are jogging, talking about their "coming out" event at The Planet, both agreeing that it's really important they tell everyone at the same time. Dana asks about Shane already knowing and Alice responds with, "Yeah, but Shane didn't tell anyone. She's the only one who can keep a secret." You got that right. For all the screwed up stuff in Shane's head, she's about the most honorable one when it comes to being true and honest with her friends. Unless you fall in love with her, of course. Then all bets are off.

Cut to Helena's place where her kids being served by a butler with their nanny, watching cartoons. Does she ever pay attention to her own kids?! Tina comes in bringing paints, popsicle sticks, and encourages them to create instead of going cross-eyed watching cartoons. Amen, sister! Helena walks in about then and tells them that "Nu Nu will build a fort with you. Tina has to come and spend a little time with Mama." Gag me, please! Helena takes Tina out on the balcony and starts putting the moves on Tina, even though Tina protests that Helena's kids are right inside. Helena says they're occupied with the gifts Tina brought as she begins to pull up Tina's dress. Sorry, but this woman is so not appropriate! Her kids could look out the window for God's sake!

Next, we see a woman getting out of a cab and entering Helena's building. She comes strolling in to the tune of "Mommy, Mommy" from Helena's kids. Uh-oh, it's the ex-girlfriend and she looks pissed! The ex- walks out onto the balcony and stands there, watching Helena go down on Tina. Slowly, Tina's head turns to the right, she sees the ex-, and tries to push Helena's head away from her. Helena looks up, wipes her mouth, then proceeds to introduce the woman: "Tina, this is my ex-, Winnie Mann." Oh, my god! I would have just died!

Back at The Planet, classical guitarist Sharon Isbin, is performing. Kit tells Bette that Benjamin hooked her up with Sharon, and that he also sent her this big, beautiful bouquet of flowers. Not much for Kit in this episode.