Abusive Relationships: Why Do Women Go Back?

Dear OutLook,

Regarding your latest column, my opinion is that when it comes time to stand before a higher power, that certain person will not be very happy because really what she is doing is judging you. If it [your sexuality] makes her uncomfortable, maybe she is fighting her own sexuality. That or she cannot accept herself for who she is or what she has become.

Whether she is straight or gay—it could be none of the above. It could be that she grew up in a hick Bible-belt town like I did, and never has been around anyone who was out, so to speak. My first time being around anyone that was admittedly out was when I turned 21. Before that I didn't know anyone.

But either way, if any of us are trying to do good in this world, someone should educate her on this matter. And help her to understand. Or at least be a little bit more open to the way society really is.

There really is something that I would like to get some feedback on. And that is: why, oh why, do women who have been abused—whether it is verbal, physical, and or mental—think that if they go back that things will be different? And please don't give the lame idea that you were/are in love, because I am very sorry, but you are sadly mistaken. Granted, they may love you in some little way, but it's not enough. I would like to say that you deserve better. If you have children, they are affected by this in every way that you are.; those children come first no matter what. And if they don't, why are you a parent?

Signed, Felix

Dear Felix,

Thank you for your response to the last column. You're right about standing in judgment. I would hate to be measured with the same stick God will measure her against; He is the only One who has the right!

As for the other topic you raised...what a can of worms! There are so many views about the topic of abused women and why they stay with the abuser...so I will just offer mine and invite everyone with an opinion they wish to share to write to me!

I have some experience with both abusers and the abused and I have to say that things are never quite as simple as you might think. Most of the women who suffer both physical and emotional abuse want to get away, however this is no easy task. Think of the woman who has been married for many years, had her self esteem crushed by the emotional abuse that often precedes or runs concurrently with the physical abuse; she has two children, married out of high school with no skills training and nothing more than a high school diploma. This woman could not support herself, least of all two children. Where does she go with no income of her own...or rather where does she hide from the psychotic abuser who will move mountains to find her and regain control? She really does not have too many options. Many abusers are persuasive with police and social services; many will go to great lengths to leave no physical marks on the abused. With threats against your life and the belief that he would do it, would you run?

It has been said that it takes a whole village to raise a child. I think it also takes a whole village to assume responsibility for women in situations like this. We need to offer them help, a sanctuary where they can find their feet, feel safe and secure, have their confidence and self-esteem rebuilt with love and understanding. If you know someone like this, offer them help in whatever small way you can!

As for the issue of love, yes, many of these women love their abusers, they think they must have deserved the beating...but they only believe it because they have been so beaten down and brainwashed that they gave up thinking for themselves a long time ago. In their hearts they know they are worth more, but they no longer have control of their minds. Once the control is lost, the will follows.

I am talking about women beaten by men because this is the most common scenario, but ladies I am sure there are some of you out there that have been in relationships with women who have been abusers as well! It works the same way, only statistically it is reported differently.

There is no excuse for abuse, no reason that will ever justify it, but it happens...a lot. The one piece of advice I would like to offer is one of safety. If you or someone you know suffers abuse but will not leave, don't get mad at them...help them. Help them try to figure out what the triggers are, things that set their partner off, like dirty dishes, no supper etc. Plan ways to avoid trigger situations, ensure the children's safety if their are kids in the home, have a safe place to run, a neighbor, a parent, anywhere there is someone else to stop the incident escalating at that moment. Encourage them to learn a skill, even in secret; it's often the only way out. If all else fails, program the EMS numbers into the phone so that help will arrive quickly. I could go on and on. The real secret is to break the chain, maybe with motivation and sincere help from others some women may find the courage to leave.

It is not for me to say what a woman should do, and I will be the last to stand in judgement of her decision to stay. However, I will also make a commitment to make a difference, even if it is nursing her cuts and bruises after she takes yet another beating! It's easy to do as I say, but could you do what they do?