random musings

Loyal is the perfect title for the eighth episode of The L Word and what a perfect episode it was! It starts out with a cowboy movie sequence, and at first, you just know Jenny's changed genres with her writing. However, it's a bit of foreshadowing for a later encounter in the episode. Whew! Don't think I could take Jenny doing cowboy westerns. The carnival's bad enough!

This segment finds an 80's action star walking in on his co-star being boinked by some hot young stud. The star, Burr Connor played by Tony Goldwyn (Ghost), grabs the kid, tosses him out of the trailer, then proceeds to chew his co-star out for being an "ass bandit." That's a new one on me! If you remember from last episode, Burr Connor is the guy Jenny's supposed to help write his memoirs. Hmm....looks to be a homophobe. Watch out, Jenny.

Next up, we find Dana and Alice in bed. Isn't this where they were last week?! Oh, yeah, right...they're a new couple and that's what we lesbians do: stay in bed for days on end in the beginning. Mea culpa. Anyway, they've obviously done nothing but make love all weekend and are getting ready to again until Dana looks at the clock and freaks. Once they both realize it is Monday, Alice starts freaking out because she has an interview at a radio station, but has nothing for her once-a-week, three-minute spot. Asking for ideas, Dana cracks that she should talk about "people who ruin their lives because they can't stop having sex!" Funny! More hilarity to come later. I mean, this is Alice and Dana after all. They make me laugh more than any couple on here.

We find Shane looking in a mirror at her face, which is all bruised up from the beating she took last week. Then you realize it's not live, but Mark watching Shane looking at herself in the mirror. Okay, this is getting way too weird for me. Ick. Quit being so creepy, Mark. You were actually halfway decent last week, saving Shane from getting her butt kicked, so stop it already! You're acting like a lovesick pup, and trust me, Shane isn't going to take you home!

Over at The Planet, Tina comes in to meet with Bette. Bette starts talking about going back to Dan Foxworthy, the therapist they both saw the first season. Tina tells her she doesn't think so, that she just wants to focus on the baby. But Bette clarifies that she's thinking of doing it for herself, alone. The smile on Tina's face says what she thinks about that. She's thrilled and tells Bette so.


Then Bette says, "Can I just say one thing?" Tina: "You can say anything you want." Bette reminds her that she really can't, but then she proceeds, "I never got to say how happy I am for you...for us." Tina chokes up a bit, then tells Bette she's glad she's happy, that it should be her happiness, too. Finally! About time, Tina! Then she says, "Let's...um...just focus on being really good parents...it'll be a new kind of partnership for us" as they toast and smile tentatively at one another.

Carmen and Shane are walking to The Planet, talking about Charlotte Birch. Jenny can't quite figure out Birch, and Carmen interrupts, telling Jenny that she thinks that Jenny's crushing on Charlotte. Jenny denies it. Carmen encourages her to go for it, which is exactly what Jenny does not want to hear. Jenny says fuck you, and Carmen responds: "You want me to be jealous?" Jenny, like a five-year-old, shakes her head yes. Carmen looks at her, then responds, "Well, if you think about fucking her, I will kill you." Evidently, that's what Jenny needed to hear and she grabs Carmen, kissing her hard. Sorry, but Jenny is still one weird chick! Too friggin' weird for me!

Back inside The Planet, Tina and Bette are talking about Tina's next doctor's appointment. Tina says, "My next sonogram is Wednesday, the 7th, at 10 a.m." Bette responds, "Well, I'd love to be there...I mean, if that's okay with you." Tina shyly smiles and says "Okay" just as Helena walks in. Aarrgghh! Go away, Dragon Lady! Then Helena proceeds to tell Tina the real estate person has four listings lined up for "them" and tells Bette that "they" are real estate hunting. Tina quickly interjects, correcting Helena, and stating that Helena is trying to find a house in L.A. Helena goes on about how the Chateau Marmont is so tedious, with everyone offering her blow or wanting her to finance independent films starring Maggie Gyllenhall. "All totally unsolicited, I'm sure," comments Bette. "Totally," Helena retorts back. Hmm...cat fight, cat fight! Tina cuts in, tells Bette she'll see her on the 7th, and thus avoids the cat fight we all knew was coming! Darn! Bette could take her, we know it!

We find Mark and his best scuzzy buddy, Gomey, sitting with a producer, talking about Mark's "documentary." The producer is obviously the Jerry Springer of scuz, because he tells them reality TV has to have something to draw the people in, so he'll need "...pussy that people can smell and taste." Oh, how disgustingly immature and pathetic can you be?! Mark tries to explain that what he's doing has more of a documentary feel, not quite so exploitative, but the producer doesn't want to hear it. Gomey interjects, promising that they'll give him "hot lesbian pussy" and that seems to put Mark off, but gives the producer some hope. All I can say is it's totally disgusting and on the level of a 14-year-old boy without a clue. Mark tells the guy he'll work on cutting something together, but you can tell he's not happy with the outcome at all.


We find Dana lifting barbells on the bed, while Alice is working on her Powerbook. Alice is talking about her radio interview, and is speaking in this funky voice about consumerism, Iraq, clothing, and all these subjects that really don't make a lick of sense. Dana gives minor criticism about her copy, which Alice doesn't take well. Dana then asks, "What are you doing to your voice?" "It's my radio commentator voice," responds Alice, "You have to have one. Can I continue?" Not thrilled to being interrupted and critiqued, Alice continues with her spiel while Dana makes a face and keeps listing weights. Dana just can't shut up and asks Alice, "Is consumerism the right word?" to which Alice glares at her. Uh-oh! Trouble in paradise!


Tina and Helena are in this incredibly huge mansion, as the real estate agent tells Helena about the previous owner. Helena cuts the man off short, telling him not to try and impress her with the previous owner's pathetic movies. She's just too good for her own britches, I tell you! Tina says she's going to go look around, but Helena grabs her and tells her not to go too far, pulling her in for a kiss right in front of the real estate agent, who discreetly looks away. I'm beginning to think this woman is an exhibitionist who can only get off when there's an audience. She's one sick ticket! Tina is still looking around the real estate property. Helena says that it's a little vulgar, but amusing. Must be nice to have that kind of money to find a multi-million dollar property amusing and vulgar. Tina asks if she could live like this, as you know Tina's just not wowed by all of it. Helena says they need to findout and starts pushing Tina up on a low table to f*ck her (sorry, I hate that word, but this isn't making love in my opinion). Helena muses that she can't buy a property like this if it'snot conducive to "this" meaning sex. Tina's quite uncomfortable, but doesn't make her stop until the real estate agent walks in, talking about the his-and-hers matching closets. Once he sees Helena and Tina in the intimate situation, he revises it to hers-and-hers. Poor guy! Can't believe Helena is that crude for all the breeding she pretends to have.


Shane walks out of the house as Mark comes up. Mark says he's been worried about her, but she doesn't respond. He wants to know where she's off to. She responds a job. He wants to know a Veronica Bloom job or hair job. Shane says a day hair job, then Mark says to have a good one. You start getting the feeling at this point that Mark does have a thing for Shane. Back inside the garage where Mark lives, his buddy Gomey is looking over the footage Mark has, lamenting the fact that all these lesbians do is talk and sometimes eat. Oh, my gosh, you mean lesbians are humans that talk and eat, too? We don't just stay in bed all the time, boys?! Get a clue! He sees the Shane footage and starts asking questions, until Mark pushes him away. A lightbulb goes off, probably the first one ever for Gomey. He tells Mark, "it's some total lez who won't give you the time of day and you're total rock hard for her! I bet you sit here all night, jackin' off, while you watch her sleep!" Mark throws Gomey across the room. Gomey starts yelling at him, how they've been best friends for so long, and he's throwing it away for a chick "..a girl who is never gonna be with you. You have a real live dick and it disqualifies you from getting up in there." Gettin' up in there? Gomey, if you have a girlfriend, I'd be surprised! You're about the most crude person I've ever seen!

Franklin walks into Bette's office at the CAC with Leo, announcing that Helena Peabody is going to join the CAC board. Poor Bette! He also mentions that Helena is going to be bringing Allyn Barnes with her to the first board meeting, and that they have somethings they want to put together for the board meeting. Bette says she wants to be in on it, but Franklin cuts her off, telling her that is Leo's strength and to let him do it. Bette reaches into one of her drawers, pulls out a bar of chocolate, and viciously bites into it. Hey, Bette! If it will help, I'll cook little chocolate voo-doo dolls of Helena and you can bite her head off!

Back to Tina and Helena, still looking at houses. They walk into this one that Tina recognizes as some house Bette had admired in Architectural Digest. She tells Helena that, and you know that's all Helena needs. They continue looking through when Helena gets a phone call from Walter. We can only surmise that Walter is some poor shrek that works for the Dragon Lady. She proceeds to yell at him, telling him she wants her children with her! So obviously, Helena is going to go after Winnie's kids. What a total bitch! As Tina walks down the stairs, she comments to Helena that she loves it, so Helena says "I'll take it." Of course you will, you ingratiating, ego-maniacal...uh...nevermind. We have to go fan ourselves! Oh, and Tina, look at yourself. Look where you are in the stairs. Helena will pull you down that sucking circle in a heartbeat if she feels like it. Run, Tina, Run!

This next segment is kinda weird. First off, I'm not sure how Winnie Mann ended up on Bette's doorstep, but for what it's worth, here she is. Helena's ex-, Winnie Mann visits Bette with her kids in tow. She wants Bette to be a character witness at the custody hearing in court six weeks from now. Bette would love to, of course, but she also knows that if she does, she could jeopardize whatever chances she may have with Tina. Bette says that she'd love nothing more than to stand up in court and say what she thinks of Helena, but she's not sure if it's a good idea. Winnie continues to try and convince her. Bette inquires as to how the two of them got together, so Winnie shares how she had a play underwritten by Helena, then the next thing she knew, she had a full theater company and was living in a five-million dollar loft. She said that Helena knew she wanted children, so she made it happen. She said Helena was in the business of making dreams come true until she decides to co-opt them for herself. She also gave Bette a tip. She said that Helena loves to do nothing more than bait a person, and the best response is to not respond. If she doesn't get a response, it infuriates her. Best tip she could have ever given Bette!

Alice is still trying to come up with something for her radio spot, but Dana says that while it's good, it's just not funny. It makes Alice mad, but Dana tries to explain. She says that Alice is a funny lady and that's one of the things that she loves about her...and that she's not the only one. Alice responds that she doesn't like Dana very much right now. Dana smiles, takes Alice's pen and paper away, and pulls Alice's legs around her saying "It makes me so hot when you're angry." "Oh, yeah?" retorts Alice. "Oh, yeah." Oh, yeah...these two are too funny! Alice starts to giggle, telling Dana she's totally topping her again. Dana: "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you through the feathers, pillow queen!" Alice asks, "Have you always been a top?" Dana says she's not. Alice says, "Yeah, you are." As Dana falls over on her, Alice whispers in her ear, "You know what I want you to do? I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on." Dana pulls up, looking a bit scared, and tells Alice, "I don't know if I can do that." Alice tells her, "You're doing it right now without even using one." They dissolve into pillow talk and Dana says she'll do it. Hmm, this should be interesting.

Shane goes into her room and Carmen walks in behind her. Carmen says, "I just saw you out there and it looks like you were hiding." Shane says she's not hiding, but Carmen says she doesn't believe her. Shane picks up her keys, but Carmen takes them away and throws them across the room. Seeing the bruises on Shane's face, Carmen freaks and asks "Who did this to you? I will fucking kill them! Who did this to you?" Shane grabs her hand and tells her that she did it to her, Carmen did it! Carmen looks at her increduously and says, "What? Fuck you!" and walks out. Shane grabs her before she gets out the door and says wait. She tells her it was a fucked up thing to say. Carmen says that maybe they should talk and see...but Shane cuts her off. Shane tells her they should just forget what she said and go back to being friends. Carmen asks, "Is that what you want?" Shane responds, "Really. A lot." Then she opens the door for Carmen to leave. You and I both know that isn't what Shane wants, but why she can't admit it, I don't know. Stick around, though, as I think we may soon find out!

Mark comes in later, looking for Shane, asking Jenny and Carmen where she's at. At the mention of Shane, Carmen pulls back a bit from Jenny. How many times does this have to happen before Jenny gets a clue? Sheesh!

We find out where Shane is. She went to confession! "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 16 years since my last confession." "And what brought you here tonight," asks the priest. "Everyone wants something from me and I don't feel like I have anything left to give." The priest asks Shane what she has been giving up until now. Choking back tears, Shane replies, "Sex. That's mainly what people want. I don't even know at this point, I don't know." He asks her if she feels she has to have sex with everyone who wants it and Shane responds that in church, she didn't. Now we get to find out a little bit about Shane's past. She tells the priest that she used to live in a church shelter when she was around 10. And that she ran away from her foster family because someone had told her that her real Mom was living in a church shelter in Austin, trying to get clean. The priest asks if her mother was a drug addict, to which Shane responds yes. Then he asks if Shane had considered joining a church group, but Shane says she doesn't like groups. She says, "The thing I like about confession is you don't have to see the other person's face, and you don't have to see how hurt they are when they realize that you can't be that thing they want you to be." Wow! What a huge reveal for Shane! The priest tells her that she just might find that people don't want anything from her, that they just want to know her, but Shane says she hasn't met anyone like that and that besides, there's nothing to know. She stands to leave as the priest asks her to just consider it. An incredibly emotional segment and Kate Moenning did a smash-up job acting. Absolutely moving and incredibly poignant. Kudos, Kate!

For a little comic relief, next we see Alice stepping out of the shower and discovering that a night of passion has left traces of hickeys on both their necks! Dana's freaking out, but Alice tells her nonchalantly that it wasn't intentional. A few seconds later, Alice sees that she has marks all over her neck as well, and she's not quite so nonchalant this time! She freaks, telling Dana she has an interview, as Dana retorts that she has a photo shoot as the first gay tennis player ever on their cover. What's that old saying, "What's good for the goose...?" Oops...watch the teeth next time, girls!

The whole gang is at The Planet (does anyone ever work on this show?!), when Dana and Alice come walking in with scarves and turtlenecks on. How obvious, girls! Everyone comments how they haven't seen 'em lately, and they respond, at the same time, that they've been working/training. Everyone cracks up laughing 'cause they know better. Then Tina walks up behind them and says they've been having sex. Trailing behind is Helena as everyone stops laughing. Bette, much to my surprise, invites Tina and Helena to join them as everyone looks at her like she's crazy! Tina looks surprised and says that's really nice. Guess Bette's taking Winnie's advice! Jenny says that they were just saying that Dana and Alice had been having sex, when Helena reaches over and takes Tina's hand, saying that they're in good company. How absolutely crude can this woman be? She's in the midst of Tina and Bette's friends, and has the nerve to let everyone know she's doing Tina! Aarrgghh! Where's Jenny's carnival scene when you need one?! And Tina? How can you sit there and let her do that?!

They all continue to tease Alice and Dana about having sex, when they find out the two are also covered in hickeys! Helena stands up, carries this scarf over to Alice and wraps it around her neck. Alice says it's expensive, and Hermés, and she can't take it, to which Helena says because she knew it was Hermés, she can keep it. Gag me now! That's about all Bette can take as she stands, saying she needs to get to work. Helena tells her not to run off, but Bette says that's not an option for her. Helena says that she can just say that she's having breakfast with one of her board members, much to everyone's surprise. Kit quietly looks at Bette and says, "You gotta be kiddin' me?!" Bette announces that Helena is now one of the new board members at the CAC. Helena then invites Bette to come over later that evening after the meeting, saying that "Tina and I have found a house." You have to give Bette credit here. She stands there with elegance and grace, not looking surprised or, if it were me, absolutely crushed. Tina quickly corrects what Helena says, stating that "No, Helena has found a house." Helena tries to recoup, inviting everyone over for a housewarming party. Everyone looks around, incredibly uncomfortable, as Tina tries to smooth things over. She tells them it's an amazing house, then focuses on Bette, telling her it's that one in Architectural Digest that she liked so well. They all kind of look to Bette, to see her reaction. Bette responds that she might come, if she's not too tired. Well done, Bette. Handled with grace, even though Helena was doing her best to throw it in your face. What a class act you are!

Over at Shane's, we find Mark and Shane in the kitchen, talking. Mark asks if he's done something to offend Shane, but she says no. Then she tells him that if she didn't adequately thank him for what he did, she is now. Mark goes on about this whole Samurai thing, about saving her life and all that, it being an honor. It was a convoluted storyline and to be honest, I wasn't really interested. Anyway, according to Mark, he now owes Shane his life because he saved hers. Hmm....I didn't think the Samurai thing worked like that, but what do I know? So, basically Mark is her servant now. This just gets more and more weird!

Jenny goes over to Burr Connor's to talk about the book she is going to ghostwrite for him. Big macho film star asks her all kinds of questions, then she reveals something about Carmen being her "girlfriend." That's all Burr Connor needs as he tells her he'll be in touch. Quickly, Jenny figures him for a homophobe and asks if he's firing her because she's gay. He responds that he wasn't aware that he had hired her. So, Jenny's first job is down the tubes because she's gay. Welcome to our world, Jenny.

Alice is still at The Planet, talking to Kit, but Kit's busy with her new chef. Alice looks over and there's Gabby Deveaux (Guin Turner) from the first season. She and Gabby talk a bit about Gabby's new girlfriend. She tells Alice that she's so in love. Alice asks who, but Gabby says she doesn't know her. Oh, yeah? Next thing you know, Alice's mouth drops open as guess who walks in? Lara Perkins, Dana's love from the first season! Uh-oh....this could be trouble in paradise! Lara asks how Dana is and Alice says fine, that she's great actually. Next thing you know, Alice is getting the hell out of Dodge she's so rattled!

Poor Alice! Totally rattled, she takes off to her radio interview, completely forgetting what she's going to talk about. She just starts talking to her friend, Mimi, about seeing her girlfriend's ex-, and her ex- as well, as Mimi turns to the radio producer and tells him to keep it rolling. Alice just goes on and on about "the chart" and how it shows how randomly connected we all are through sex. She says it's about entanglements; it's got relationships, one-night stands, it pretty much has everything. She talks about how she's connected to Tina who is connected to Helena, which makes Helena connected to her. On and on, Alice rambles, going through Warren Beatty, presidential interns, and Monica Lewinsky, until she finally stops and apologizes. Mimi kind of laughs, tells her it's okay, and walks off. Poor Alice doesn't realize she's been recorded the whole time!

At the CAC, Bette introduces Helena Peabody to the board. Franklin doesn't think she gives Helena enough kudos and stands to drool all over her. Helena then introduces Allyn Barnes as one of the most important living artists of their time. Bette responds that no one knows her work inside the art world, let alone outside the art world. Leo and Helena look about ready to panic, thinking that Bette is putting Allyn down for being a recluse. Helena tells Bette that she's not up with the times. Bette continues forth, talking about how they cannot have a show of Allyn Barnes work if they don't show one piece in particular called "Season in Hell" and says that she wrote her graduate thesis on that piece. Bette admits that it was crude and Allyn Barnes interrupts her, saying she was furious! Bette tries to say she knows it wasn't that good, thinking Barnes is mad about that, but Barnes tells her that Bette was the first person in 15 years to penetrate her anonymity! Bette said she had to scale three fences to get to the work and was almost shot, to which Barnes laughs and says, "You were almost shot!" Then she goes on to say that it was the best piece ever written about her work, that Bette truly understood what she was trying to say through her art. Helena looks about ready to swallow an egg at the bonding between Bette and Barnes. Way to go, Bette! Looks like Helena's little plan backfired in her face!

Shane invites Mark to come hang out with her, but he doesn't want to. Then she tells him as her servant he has to, so he agrees. Oh, geez...that's all we need: Shane and Mark bonding.

Alice and Dana are getting dressed, ready to go out and they're talking about how well Alice's interview went. Dana asks her what made her change her mind and talk about The Chart? Alice fudges the truth and says that she didn't know. Then she said she ran into Gabby Deveaux. She said Gabby was all like, "Oh, let's be friends," and Alice said she just didn't understand why lesbians want to have deep, yet sexless relationships with an ex- who treated them shitty and cheated on them! Dana says that she doesn't necessarily think it's a good idea for them to be friends with their exes. Alice asks, "What if one of your exes showed up like that?" not telling Dana she's seen Lara. Dana says that she's not ready to be friends with Tonya. Alice says, "What about Lara?" Dana said, "I haven't even thought about Lara in a long time. I don't know. I guess we could be friends. Unless you don't want me to." Alice doesn't say anything, but looks thoughtfully at Dana as the phone rings. Just in the nick of time, Alice.

Tina and Helena are sitting in Helena's new house, with tons of food set out for the housewarming party. However, no one is there and Helena is pissed off. She asks Tina if this is an L.A. thing. "You invite people over and they don't show up?" Tina says it is. Helena tells her that it's not fine with her. Tina says that next time they'll send out formal invitations. Helena retorts that she's not so sure there's going to be a next time as she's not very forgiving when it comes to social transgressions. Excuse me? Ms. I Like to Flaunt Who I'm Screwing In Front of Her Ex-Girlfriend and Her Friends?! Puh-lease! We're glad you're mad. Now pack your bags and go home!

Over at Bette's, she stands alone in the kitchen, drinking a glass of wine. The doorbell rings and she opens it to the entire gang: Jenny, Carmen, Shane, Mark, Alice, and Dana! Everyone's come to support Bette instead of going to Tina and Helena's. They all spill into Bette's, ordering pizza, laughing, talking, as Bette stands there amazed. She asks why they're here and they give all these excuses until Shane finally says, "Besides, it's family night." Shane, I couldn't have said it better myself.

In all, Loyal is one of the better episodes this season. The writers are cranking up the emotional charge, really getting some fantastic acting out of Kate Moenning, Jennifer Beals, and Rachael Shelley. Yes, we love to hate Helena, but you have to give Rachael Shelley props for doing such a great job of creating a character we love to hate! On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give Loyal a solid 8. Can't wait to see more!

Next Week on The L Word: Late, Later, Latent
Alice's sex-toy request freaks out Dana; Jenny learns the truth about TV star Burr Connor and about Carmen's feelings for Shane; Bette and Tina have a brief encounter. Guest stars include Tony Goldwyn, Sandra Bernhard, Kelly Lynch, and Camryn Manheim.