random musings

Episode 9 of The L Word sizzled! Lots of revelations, reunions, and "uh-oh" moments. This episode opened with Carmen and Jenny getting out of the shower. Jenny goes to pee (on tip-toe, no less. What? Is she a ballerina now?!), and Carmen has to as well, so she straddles Jenny. You hear "tinkle, tinkle, tinkle" and then suddenly Jenny gasps. Guess they're going to have sex at the same time! Talk about multi-tasking. Sheesh! (And yes, we know there is another term for what they're doing, but this is an entertainment column, not Sexual Terminology 101. Look it up yourself!) Anyway, they start getting it on, while poor Mark’s standing outside the bathroom door, about to die. Shane bangs on the door. "Come on guys, open up!" She bangs repeatedly, but they don't answer, so she opens the door, and freezes: Carmen and Jenny, naked, having sex on the toilet. Good morning to you, too, Shane! Jenny looks down and says "Oh, fuck" 'cause she knows good and well that's going to freak Carmen out. We don't get to witness the ensuing freak-out by Carmen because Shane beats a path the hell out of there! She doesn't say a word, closes the door, looks at Mark and tells him, "Use the bushes."

Now, this begs me to ask. Why in the hell didn't they lock the door? I mean, come on...what goober leaves the door unlocked when you have a male roommate who could possibly want to use the bathroom at any given time? The intelligence of these women amaze me. Of course, a locked door isn't nearly as drama-filled, so it's a good plot point. But still...give me a break!

Next up, we see Mark going through a whole bunch of his videos. "Mark Wayland presents a Compendium of Lesbianism, Volume 1." I like that. We're a compendium now, ladies! The producer from last episode cuts in, "Where’s the fucking pussy?!" Mark interjects: "This could be really huge for us. It’s not just about sex. These women have a way of life. A culture of their own, and it's revelatory, it's anthropological. If we do this right, it could easily be at Sundance. The producer is pissed off, and tells him men want hot lesbian sex, and they want it now! Then he yells at Mark, tells him that he is in direct violation of his contract, and he has to return the money. Mark tries to get Gomey to back him up, but Gomey just shakes his head. Looks like Mark's in a world of hurt.

Over at the newlyweds place, Dana and Alice are on the bed, talking about toys. Alice asks her if she's thought about it. Dana replies, "Oh, you mean the sex toys?" Alice nods yes. Dana tentatively asks, "Can I ask you something?" Sure, says Alice. "Is it a bisexual thing? Trying to have your cake and eat your pussy too?" Alice laughs and says no. Nice little bit. Should be interesting to see where it goes.

At the Dragon Lady...err...Helena's house, we find her on the phone, fighting with Winnie about the kids. Tina’s listening from the bedroom and looks frustrated. She hears Helena hang up and pretends to be asleep. Helena wakes her up. Tina says she's excited about the ultrasound this afternoon, and Helena tells her that she'll swing by the office and pick her up. Tina reminds her, "I’m going with Bette." Disappointed, Helena responds, "Oh, that's right." Tina tries to make nice, like usual. "Dr. Wilson’s office is so close to my apartment, why don't you just come to me afterwards?" Helena doesn't respond, but then later agrees when Tina insists. Poor Helena. Getting your heart broken? Good. Go back to England!!!

Kit and Bette are at The Planet, talking about Benjamin. He's coming to see Kit, but staying at a hotel because of his wife. Okay. This is screwed up! Bette tells Kit that she doesn't want to see her get hurt, but Kit assures her that she knew, going in, what the deal was, and she's fine with it. Bette said she knows the situation, and no matter what, there's always someone who gets hurt. Yeah, no kidding. Cheating is never good. All it does it hurt everyone involved. Listen to your sister, Kit. I think Bette knows what she's talking about here! They chat a bit more, then Bette leaves for the ultrasound with Tina.

Shane's got a new job and is walking into this huge building. She asks the PA who hired her, but doesn't need an answer as she hears the booming and crass voice of Veronica Bloom. Evidently, Veronica is going to be on the cover of the New York Times magazine as the most powerful woman in Hollywood. How about most obnoxious?! Veronica starts in with Shane. "Pretty good, huh Shane?" Shane responds, "I don't know why you requested me, though." Veronica snaps back: "You do hair, don't you? Apparently that's your life's ambition." Shane tells Veronica to not fuck with her. Veronica responds: "How am I fucking with you when I offer you the world on a silver platter? What’s so wrong in seeing the potential in somebody and giving them the chance to make something of themselves. Did I underestimate you, Shane? Or did I just mistake you for a person of substance." Good point, Veronica. For all your irritating loudness, you have a great point. Shane responds, "No. I think you mistook me for one of your little tricks..." Veronica retorts, "Are we getting to some core issues, Shane? Poor Shane. What about the possibility that I am right about you? That you really are better than this life you're living?" Shane stalks over to Veronica and looms over her: "Veronica, listen to what I’m saying to you. I have no magic and there is no mojo. So whatever it is that you think you're looking for, it doesn't exist." Veronica sits quietly, looking at her, then says, "Then why don't you do my fucking hair?" Shane responds, "No, thank you," and walks off. Hit a little close to home, eh, Shane? And while we're on the subject, may I say that Camryn Manheim has done an outstanding job of portraying Veronica Bloom. It's one of the best performances this season!

Jenny is meeting Charlotte Birch at a diner. Charlotte tells her, "You are a compulsive excavator of your own emotional navel lint. A nitpicking, obsessive truth teller...." Jenny goes "Ewww...." and squirms. Gee, Jenny...now you know what we do when you write! Then Charlotte continues: "You actually have the gift to portray the details of a life lived...that's why you need to work with Burr." "Jenny whines: "But I don't like him...he's a homophobe." Burr Connor comes in, sees Jenny and says, "Apparently we're destined for one another." Ugh. On to better storylines.

Alice and Dana are at the sex toy store. A salesgirl walks up saying, "Here's a good way to think about it. An inch in diameter is two fingers inside of you; an inch-and-a-half is three fingers inside of you." Good information to know, although, who can do math while making love? Not me! She rattles on about all the different kind of toys you can buy, so many shapes, sizes. As the salesgirl drones on, Dana reaches over, grabs a toy that's about the size and shape of a microphone, and starts acting goofy with it until the salesgirl tells her it's a butt plug! Poor Dana shoves it back on the shelf and looks ill! Ha! The salesgirl tells them about a new lube, but Alice says that she thinks she's allergic to it. Dana whirls around and asks, "What haven't you done?" Alice smiles and says, "I haven't done lots of things. Besides, I want to do them with you." That pacifies Dana and she starts to relax until she recognizes someone in the store, freaks, then pulls up her sweater and puts on dark shades as Alice wanders off looking for cock rings. Too funny!

At the hospital, Tina is getting an ultrasound of the baby and Bette is with her. As they see the image for the first time, they bond over "their baby." Tina looks adoringly at Bette as Bette reaches up and takes Tina's hand. Yes! It's about time! Yea!!!!!

Back to Burr Connor, Jenny, and Charlotte. Normally, I don't like Jenny, but she said some good stuff here. "I don't like the idea of being tolerated," she says. Charlotte asks why and says it's better than being spat on. "Because it implies that there is something unacceptable about my being gay," Jenny replies. Good for you, Jenny! Burr Connor speaks up and tells them that he thinks it's perfectly acceptable for a girl to be gay these days. Charlotte challenges him about the double standard, needling him about his own perceived sexuality. Burr takes offense, tells her he was speaking hypothetically, then tells Charlotte he's won lawsuits for what she's implying about him. He tells her to fuck off and walks out. Jenny follows him out: "I want to tell you, I agree with what you said. If some male actor came out and said, 'I'm gay' it would be a huge gift to the world, but it would destroy their career." Then she tells Burr not to worry about Charlotte because she's an asshole and she's not God just as Charlotte walks up. I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jenny! Burr looks at Jenny, tells her if she wants to do the book, to come to his house. Oh, joy. More Burr/Jenny moments.

Over at Tina's apartment, she and Bette are putting stuff in the refrigerator, talking about the baby and ultrasound. Tina thanks her for being there. Bette replies, "I loved it more than you can imagine." Tina reaches for her, telling Bette to come here, and they hug. And not just a little hug either. One of those, "oh, my God, you feel so good, let me melt into you..." kind of hugs. "You feel so good,” said Bette. "You smell good," says Tina. As No Other Love by Heart begins to play, they nuzzle one another's hair. Tina brushes Bette's hair back, touches her lips, then leans in for a kiss. Bette is hesitant, letting Tina set the pace. Tina kisses her again and again. She reaches up, takes off Bette's jacket, kisses her again, touches her breasts. Tina's definitely the aggressor here. It cuts to Bette and Tina in bed, making love, as Bette looks close to tears. I can imagine how she feels! She is finally back with her soulmate, they are making love, and for a moment, all is right in the world. Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful!

Over at Shane's, Mark is getting his hair cut by Shane as they're talking about Veronica Bloom and his film. Carmen walks in and Shane tells her that Jenny is working. Carmen says she knows, but that she came to talk to Shane. Uh-oh, here we go. Mark suddenly remembers something he needs to do and takes off to the studio. He switches cameras, watching the exchange between Shane and Carmen. Carmen: "I feel like there is something going on with you and I'd like to know what it is." Shane: "Look, I just...Oh, fuck. It's hard for me. To have you and Jenny in my face all the time. Carmen: "You're having a hard time with it?" Shane sighs and responds, "I'm happy for you guys. Looks like you two are having a blast together...and it's a very good thing." Carmen asks, "Then why would it be so hard for you?" Shane doesn't respond. Carmen continues, "Shane, I want you to look at me. I know how hard you work to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on the planet, but it's not working for you no more." Shane says it is. Carmen shakes her head, "No, it's not because of this," and grabs Shane hand and puts it over her heart. "Most people don't have this." Shane replies, "So what?" Exasperated, Carmen responds: "So what?! So what if nothing ever comes out of this. So what if you never act on it. You are so convinced having a relationship near you will kill you." Shane looks stricken: "Because it will." Sadly, Carmen responds, "And that's why I'm with Jenny. It works because we are both biding our time for the real deal to come along." At this, Shane looks up: "You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal?" Carmen replies: "Jenny wouldn’t know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so lost in her own darkness; I think she likes it in there. But you know what's fucked up? You and I know what the real deal is. We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other." Slowly, Shane shakes her head yes. Carmen continues: "You're not living your life, Shane. And if you don't take any risks, then you might as well be dead." The camera pans to Mark, who's been watching all of this, Carmen and Shane holding hands, as he whispers to himself, "Fuck me!"

Tina walks Bette to the door after they make love. Tina: "Bette, I just wanted to tell you that..." Bette interrupts: "I know, I know.... this doesn't mean that we're back together." Tina smiles and says, "Let's not let it mess everything up." Huh? What exactly were you doing having sex then?! Bette promises it won't. They awkwardly kiss at the door, and the moment is gone. Damn!

A few minutes later, Helena comes over to Tina's place, ready to go out, but Tina, of course, has just gotten out of bed with Bette and is still in her robe. Tina wants to stay in. Helena agrees, but wants to go back to her place. "Is there a problem with staying here?" Helena hesitates, and then says, "No, no problem." Then Tina aggressively grabs Helena, starts kissing her, and shoves her up against the wall. Helena's not too thrilled at being manhandled and asks Tina if she's having some sort of hormonal surge here. Tina retorts, "Fuck you." Helena responds, "That is what you seem to want to do." Tina replies: "It is, actually. I just want to fuck all night...and fuck and fuck and fuck." Okay, Tina. Got the picture and right now, I'm thinking you're incredibly crude and vulgar. She throws Helena down on a chair, and shoves her hand up Helena's dress, to which Helena protests and tries to push her off. I'd be protesting, too! Helena speaks up: "I'm not so sure I like this. I don't think I like this." "Why not?" Tina asks. Helena replies: "Because you’re not acting like yourself and I'm not sure I like it." Here's where Tina really goes off the deep end. She starts ranting: "Oh, I see. Is it my apartment? Is it too ordinary for you? Or, uh, maybe it's that you need to be in control all the time. Or maybe you need an audience. That's it. That's what works for you. I don't think you're interested in sex unless there's some sort of risk, or someone's watching, or something else is going on!" She goes to the door, screams out about them having sex. Helena is dumbfounded and says, "Tina, your neighbors!" Tina runs to the front door and screams down the hallway, "Hey, we're about to have sex, me and my girlfriend. You want to come down here and watch us?" Helena asks Tina if she's gone mad? Tina responds that she doesn't know, what do you think? Tina, I think you're seriously screwed in the head is what I think! Helena tries to calm her down: "I think your hormones are raging out of control and I know better than to try and reason with you." That just sets Tina off even worse. "Fucking hormones? I'm not allowed to have feelings anymore?" At that, Helena decides she's going to leave. Tina keeps grabbing her, telling Helena she needs her now, she needs her tonight. She practically begs, but Helena says that she thinks she needs to be alone and she'll call her tomorrow. Helena walks out and Tina stands there, then bursts into tears. She says, "What am I doing?" Sweetheart, we don't know what in the hell you are doing, but get a grip already!

Bette is at Dan Foxworthy's office for her therapy appointment, telling him about forging the friendship with Tina. Then she asks if he thinks she fucked it up by having sex with Tina. Never, ever ask a therapist what they think 'cause they won't tell you! He throws it back at her, "Do you think you fucked it up?" Told ya! Bette continues: "What did it mean? I don't think she wants to get back together with me." Foxworthy asks if she wants to get back with Tina. Bette sits and contemplates the question for a moment, and says, "I don't know." Then he asks how she felt having sex with Tina. Bette replies: "It was fucking amazing. All of the reasons we fell apart disappeared, and it was like I had my life back for just one second. It was also really sad. Because I've lost her. Because she doesn't belong to me anymore. I could feel someone else had been touching her, making love to her. I felt that other person and her connection to that other person. Tina did things we had never done together. She was so...free. I always treated her gingerly, as a fragile thing. But now, even pregnant, she's unbreakable." Bette begins to cry, telling Foxworthy that it was shocking that Tina was so sure of herself. He reminds Bette that Tina's been through a lot this year: a break-up, new career, and pregnancy, and that can change a person; make them stronger. He asks Bette if she doesn't think that might be a good thing. Bette replies, "Of course it's a good thing. It just means she doesn't need me anymore." Aw, man, that makes your heart break!

Cut to Dana in dark glasses going to the sex toy store by herself. That's all. While it's cool to see her going to the store, this was really a throwaway scene. Wasn't long enough for anything to follow an emotional scene like the one above.

Jenny goes looking in Mark's shed for the Burr Connor DVDs and sees all this video equipment Mark has set-up. She starts snooping, and sees a tape labeled: "Shane / Carmen Love Confession." Uh-oh. Here it comes!

Cut to Bette at the CAC, talking with an assistant about an upcoming show. Helena walks in, then offers to add an artist to the budget. Bette tries to tell her that they're in the middle of a meeting. Helena responds that she's offering to underwrite Allyn's entire retrospective and wants to see the budget, but Bette says no. Helena then offers to go to Leo instead, which is not really an offer but a threat. Bette tells her that's not how she likes to work. They stand there, waiting for Helena to leave, but she informs them she's going to sit and listen for awhile. What a jerk!

Jenny's watching the tape of Carmen and Shane talking and hears the "real deal" comments that Carmen made about Jenny, and how she was screwed up and all. You have to admit, for all Jenny's weirdness, that was tough to hear. I kinda felt sorry for her.

Helena calls Tina from the CAC. "You're coming over to my house tonight," she says. Tina asks if she's sure she wants to see her, what about the hormonal fits? Helena apologies, then Tina starts chewing her out: "Look, if you want me in your life? You have to understand one thing. I'm not some sort of toy you can take down off the shelf and play with whenever it suits your mood. Understand?" Helena says she's not a toy, but Tina continues: "And if we have some sort of disagreement, the fact I'm pregnant? It’s not fair game. I don't want to be reduced to some sort of raging hormonal lunatic." Um, Tina? You were. Take our word for it. Helena promises it will never happen again. I'm sorry, but Tina's the one that needed to be apologizing, not Helena. I'm not a big Helena fan at all, but Tina behavior was abhorrent! I would be appalled if my lover grabbed me, shoved me up against a wall acting as Tina did, then shoved their hand up my dress like some two-bit hooker! I mean, there's a time and place for hot and raw sex, and nothing wrong with being pushed up against a wall in the heat of passion, but acting like a crazed lunatic, shoving your girlfriend, and screaming for the neighbors to watch while doing it isn't cool. I think the wrong one apologized here! They eventually agree to have dinner, and Helena's let the kitchen staff go so she can impress Tina with all her hard work. Oh, joy.

Kit's got this great romantic dinner ready for Benjamin when the phone rings. Benjamin tells her that his Mama is in the hospital. Kit tells him not to worry about it, that it's his family and he needs to be there for them. Then she tells her assistant to just put the dinner on the menu. Poor Kit! Bette was right. Someone always gets hurt when you cheat.

Ivan is running an AA meeting when in walks Kit. "Hey pretty lady, looks like you have something you want to share tonight." Kit responds, "I'm Kit and I got stood up tonight. I got stood up tonight, and I looked over at that bottle of wine sitting on that table, that I sat for him. I was sad, and thought 'fuck it...I want that bottle of wine.' I’m so damn lonely..." Looking directly at Ivan: "I just wanted to be around somebody who would listen to me. So I came here." Man, that just hurts hearing poor Kit say she's lonely. Lonely sucks.

Ivan takes Kit to a club and a dancer comes up to Ivan, kisses her. Ivan introduces the woman to Kit as Iris. Kit wants to take off, but Ivan won't let her. So Iris asks if she's in the program, Kit nods yes, then they go sit down. Iris asks, "So, you know each other from the program." Ivan answers for Kit: "Kit owns The Planet." Iris responds, "That lesbian place you invested in..." Kit tries to tell her it's not just a lesbian place. Iris responds that Ivan's tried to take her there a couple times, but it's just not her scene. Kit responds that maybe she shouldn't pass judgment until she's actually been there. Iris responds, "I just don't hang out with lesbians that much. Too much drama. I remember this one time, when Ivan and I first started seeing each other, about five years ago..."

Kit looks at Ivan with a shocked look and says, "Five years ago?!" Iris cuts in, "Yeah, been about that long." Kit looks at Ivan again, "You mean, you been seeing each other for the last five years?" Iris finally gets a clue and says that it seems that Kit and Ivan have some unfinished business. No kidding! "Kit turns to Ivan and says, "You're doing this thing and trying to romance me?" Ivan responds: "Kit, you're going down a real bad road here." Kit agrees: "A very bad road. A road of lies!" Ivan tries to defend herself: "We never discussed monogamy, okay? We didn't get that far. But if we had, I would have explained to you that it doesn't work for me." "And I would have told you to fuck off," Kit retorts. Good for you! So Ivan tries a different tactic, attacking Kit about Benjamin. "And now you're seeing a married man?" Kit retorts, "Oh, don't you even go there. You, of all people, know better not try to pass judgment. Ivan goes on about how Kit's deceiving someone, lying to someone's wife, but Kit won't have any of it. She looks at Ivan and says, "And the way you’re living your life?! I gotta get the fuck out of here!" and picks up and leaves. Good for you, Kit! That was major bull!

Back at Burr Connor's, Jenny is pouring out her heart to Burr. "I'm such a fucking idiot. It was so obvious that all this was going to happen. Every time I think everything is going really well, it all fucks up. And I think that maybe I’m one of those people that doesn't deserve to be happy." Well, Jenny girl, the handwriting was on the wall, and you even told Carmen a couple episodes ago that she liked Shane. What made you think that had changed?! Although, I do have to admit, I kinda feel sorry for her. That was brutal hearing Carmen say those things. Burr Connor tries to console Jenny, then tells his sob story. He's a closet queen (surprise, surprise), and ruined the life of the man he loved: Rod Sebring, his co-star from 20 years ago because he was afraid of being outed. He spills his guts, then tells Jenny, "You do realize that you're fired." Will she ever keep a job?! Then he proceeds to tell her if he ever reads about any of this anywhere, he'll have her killed. Gee, Burr, you're such a nice guy. Can we pay you to off Jenny? Please?!

Helena is showing Tina the children's rooms she's prepared in anticipation of winning the custody hearing. Tina comments that her kids are lucky as Helena takes her down one more door: "One more...for you...and her." Tina’s overwhelmed: "I don't know what to say. It’s dazzling. It’s so beautiful. It is truly amazing. But Helena...I..." Helena interrupts: "It's for when you both stay. I just did it because I wanted to. Okay?" Yeah, right. And pigs fly!

We cut back to Bette at her house, hanging the glass mobile she got a few weeks back, and preparing a room for the baby as well. Of course, this one isn't as grand as Helena's, but I'd take Bette's simple, loving room over the ostentation of Helena's anyday. You just can't buy someone, Helena! Bette looks up, gazes at the mobile, and says, "I hope you like it. Both of you."

Over at Alice and Dana’s, Dana’s in the bathroom. Alice is sitting on the bed, waiting patiently, as Dana tells her it'll just be a few minutes. Then we hear a thud. Poor klutzy Dana! Alice calls out, "Are you all right?" "Yeah!" says Dana. Then Dana asks, "Ready?" Alice says she is totally ready. Dana comes out and tells her, "Don't laugh, okay?" Dana's naked and walking shyly across the room with a strap-on and harness. With a hungry look in her eyes, Alice crawls across the bed and takes Dana's hand, saying, "Who's laughing?" I have to say, this was well done. Any new relationship can be fraught with vulnerabilities when it comes to the bedroom. What is fun and enjoyable to one may be totally foreign to the other, and it's sometimes difficult to actually say what it is you want or need without fear of ridicule, or worse, rejection. For Dana to go outside her comfort zone for Alice, and be willing to wear the strap-on, even though she'd never done it and actually had some hesitations about it, speaks a lot about her love and commitment to Alice. That's what it's about, ladies: listening to the one you love and being willing to stretch those restraints we sometimes bind ourselves up with (no pun intended). Get outside your comfort zone and find out what it's like to live and love to the fullest! Dana and Alice surely did!

Next Week on The L Word: Land Ahoy
A Olivia cruise in the Caribbean proves eventful for Dana, Alice, Shane, Jenny and Carmen; Bette and Kit struggle to connect with their aging father Melvin (the late Ossie Davis) during a visit. Guest stars Charles S. Dutton and Ossie Davis. Also, we have a first person account of an Olivia Cruise, so make sure to check out the beautiful pictures and great article by our dear friend, Kirstie Tindale.