random musings

Before I start this week's recap of The L Word's tenth episode, Land Ahoy, I have a couple of bones to pick with the creators of TLW. Do you not have enough money to hire a real music director or sound effects team that actually creates original music and sounds? I swear, if I hear one more rehashed rendition of TLW theme song, I honestly think I'll run screaming into the night! Not only is the theme song one of the most obnoxious pieces of drivel I've ever listen to (I purposely wait about five minutes after TLW starts so I can fast forward through the theme), the sound team is insistent upon remixing it into a million different versions to be played back in every episode. Please, Ilene. If you don't have the budget for a real sound system, invest $100 in GarageBand, hire some 15-year-old musical prodigy off the street, and make some original music for this show. You're killing it with all this Betty crap! I don't have anything against Betty in general; I'm just tired of hearing the same song played over and over again. The show is original. Give it original music!

And my other bone? What is it with the Betty infomercial? So far, we've seen them perform. That was pretty cool considering that we got to hear Pam Grier belt out some nice tunes. But then Alyson Palmer appears a couple episodes later, and now Amy Ziff plays the cello. While the cello playing was indeed exquisite and it's great to see a BBW getting some action, did she have to sing the damn theme song in French?! All this seems a little incestuous to us. Give us a break, Ilene. Hire a real music director and quit hiring all your buddies.

Now, on with the recap of Land Ahoy.

As you can surmise from my above rant, tonight's episode features a member of Betty: Amy Ziff. The episode starts out aboard a cruise ship, with Ziff playing the cello. A woman in the audience, Phoebe Sparkle, a widely known sexpert, is mesmerized by her, and before you know it, is doing the deed with Ziff in a wide variety of places on the ship! Nice to see a big, beautiful woman getting some action, but a throwaway scene if you ask me. Especially since Ziff had to sing the damn theme song in French. Aarrgghhh! Moving on...

This is one of Jenny's most shining moments. Mark is asleep in the garage when he hears what can only be a live feed from one of his cameras as Jenny stands in front of the camera, naked, writing on herself and saying all sorts of things. He scrambles out of bed, turns it off, then knocks on Jenny's door. Upon opening the door, he's faced with a naked Jenny and the message "Is this what you want?" He tries to explain himself, telling her it's not what she thinks, then sees that Jenny has his camera and the tape of Shane and Carmen. She tells him that she's going to use it now and that it's not his tape. He continues trying to explain, but she cuts him off telling him that he's violating them, that he has crossed every line of trust. He tries to explain that it's for the documentary, but she won't buy it. She picks up his camera, focuses on him and asks, "Do you have any sisters?" He says yes. Then she says, "I want you to ask them a question. And the most important thing is that you really listen to their answer. I want you to ask your sisters about the very first time that they were intruded upon by some man or a boy." He asks why she thinks that his sisters have been intruded upon and she responds, "Because there isn't a single woman or girl in this world that hasn't been intruded upon. And sometimes it's relatively benign and sometimes it's so fucking painful that you have no idea what this feels like." Mark tells her he's going to take down the cameras and tell Shane, but she refuses to let him ruin their vacation and won't let him do it. Good for you, Jenny! Way to stand up to him.

Next up, we have a brief moment at The Planet, where Kit is taking orders from people in line. Just as she starts to take this woman's order, a bouquet of flowers is shoved into her face, followed by the mug of her married beau, Benjamin Bradshaw. He's trying to make up for standing her up last episode, and trying to persuade her to have dinner with him. Go away, Ben. You're not good enough for our Kit!

Over at the radio station, Alice is getting ready to host a new segment of her show, "The Chart," with Dana as her special guest. Alice is doing that funky radio voice from a couple episodes ago, speaking about how Dana is going to be a guest speaker on an upcoming Olivia cruise, and Dana being her geeky self, is just having a blast. As Alice continues with her monologue, Dana continually cuts in, corrects Alice, and basically ticks poor Alice off royally! Time and again, Dana cuts her off until Alice has finally had enough and puts her hand over Dana's mouth! We can see an argument coming out of this one! Note to Alice: Never mix business with pleasure. Girlfriends and work don't mix well together!

Back at Jenny's place, we find Jenny sorting through several old photographs, talking into the camera about what is obviously her family. She speaks of the Holocaust and many of the trials and tribulations her family must have experienced. Carmen comes in and sees that Jenny hasn't packed for the cruise. Jenny tells Carmen she really doesn't want to go since she's so involved in her work; that she's feeling inspired for the first time in a longtime, and that Carmen should just go with Shane and have a good time. They toss this back and forth for a little bit until Carmen says that she wants to go with her girlfriend. Jenny pointedly asks, "Who's that?" Carmen is stunned, but responds emphatically, "It's you!" Jenny looks at her and says, "Please just tell me the truth." Wow! Carmen, sweetheart, looks like Jenny's watched the Shane/Carmen confession tape and has your number. Just tell the truth already, okay?

We head over to Tina and Helena in a dress shop where Tina is trying on an evening gown. Helena tells the salesgirl that she wants the dress taken up to highlight "these" meaning Tina's breasts, which she proceeds to grab right in front of the salesgirl. I don't know about you, but I really don't think I'd appreciate my girlfriend grabbing my breasts in public! Anyway, Tina tells Helena that she really isn't comfortable with the $5,000 price tag on the dress, especially since she's supposed to be getting an award for community service, and she really doesn't want to show up in an over-the-top, extravagant gown; that the money could be used in so many other ways. Helena tells Tina, "Please, do not tell me what I can or cannot spend my own money on..." Then she brags about how much money she gives away, how this is nothing, and Tina just needs to let her do this for her. Hmm, Helena, a word to the wise: All your money is not going to impress Tina. You're going about this the wrong way, chickie! Oh, and as she pulls out her money to pay for the dress, she casually tells Tina, "Did I mention I invited Bette?" much to Tina's surprise.

Shane's walking through the house when Carmen calls out to her. She tells Shane that Jenny's decided not to go on the cruise, so Shane says she's not going. Carmen insists that she wants to go and they both have to go, so Jenny finally gives in and agrees to go. This should be interesting.

Over at Dana and Alice's place, you can tell Alice is pretty pissed. They're packing for the trip and Dana's talking about what they should or shouldn't take, but Al's not responding. Finally, Dana pins her down and asks what's wrong since she doesn't want to be on the boat that sinks with Alice mad at her. Alice sputters, "How would you feel, Dana, if I came down and interrupted one of your matches or corrected one of your shots? You were interrupting me. You didn't even respect the fact that it was my gig and I feel like I'm always there for you!" Dana apologies profusely and they kiss and make up. After making up, they start talking about Dana's propensity to get seasick, which in turns becomes a discussion about The Love Boat, with Captain Stubing, Julie McCoy, Gopher, and all the characters, when Alice finds out that Dana has a thing for the character of Julie. We see a plot hatching here, ladies!

Shane's packing for the trip when Mark comes into her room, acting really strange, and tells her to remember that he's her friend. She asks why he's acting weird and what he did, but he won't tell her. He only asks that she remember that he's her friend, to which Shane says "I'm your friend, too." You won't be for long, Shane. Trust us.

At the airport, Shane, Jenny, Carmen, Alice and Dana are all getting ready to go through security. Alice is pumped that everyone is doing carry-on items, but Dana doesn't want to. She refuses to say why, but we've got a pretty good idea. Just a short bit. Stay tuned for a hilarious moment with airport security coming up next!

We get to see the incomparable Ossie Davis reprise his role as Bette's rigid and judgmental father as she picks him up from the airport as well. Davis died shortly after filming his scenes in The L Word and will be sorely missed from the show. During this brief segment, one can see that Davis was in poor health, even as his character is, and appeared fragile and weak. Mr. Davis, you will be missed.


Back at airport security, Dana has just placed her bag on the x-ray machine and grabs for it as it starts to come out, but no dice. The security person has seen something and calls over one of the other ladies to have them look at it. They decide the suitcase needs to be opened, much to Dana's chagrin. And what do they find? A strap-on, complete with realistic-looking dildo sporting testicles! Dana is absolutely mortified as the rest of the crew crack up laughing. Next thing they dig out baffles them until Alice confirms that they're nipple clamps. The female security agent tells her she can't take 'em on the plane and pockets them. Hmm...I thought the TSA was just supposed to confiscate items, not keep them! After totally humiliating Dana, the guards give them back their stuff and tell them to have a good time. Uh-huh...I'm sure they will! Right after Dana's face returns to a normal shade of pink. Dana, sweetheart, hang in there. I've had a few experiences with that red face problem and it does eventually return to normal.

At the CAC, Bette and her father are viewing a painting with Allyn Barnes, the artist Bette is preparing a retrospective for. After discussing the painting, Melvin leaves the room and Bette finds him wandering the hallway. She collects him and ushers him into her office. There, they speak about her mother. Melvin reminisces how they used to argue over paintings all the time, but she was never condescending as Barnes was. Bette asks him if he loved her mother so much, why didn't he try to make it right? He tells Bette that without the bonds of marriage, she just wouldn't understand. She insists that she would, but he won't tell her. Changing the subject, Bette tells him she has reservations for dinner. He asks that she change them, then also asks that she call Kit and see if she'd like to join them. What?! This guy can't stand Kit! Hasn't had anything to do with her in almost 14 years! Bette's surprised, mentions something about Kit's boyfriend, then Melvin says that he can come, too. At this, Bette looks shocked. She tells Melvin that she's more than a little shocked that he just asked Kit's boyfriend, whom she hasn't been seeing very long, to dinner with them, but he has yet to ask about Tina. He tells Bette she can invite Tina, to which Bette responds that they've broken up. He says that he doesn't know what to say, and Bette sadly says, "You're not supposed to say anything." Poor Bette.

Over on the Love Boat...err...the Olivia cruise ship, the gang is getting ready to board. Dana is mobbed by fans, so Alice entertains herself by walking over to a crew member, decked out in Captain's finery, and whispers something into his ear. He nods yes, and Alice walks off looking rather pleased with herself. Over with the triangle crew, Jenny, Shane, and Carmen discover that their "suite" is just a single and they're all going to have to share the bed. Jenny thinks that's great and says, "Well, I have an idea? Why don't we all sleep together, and Carmen, you sleep in the middle." They both look at her like she's grown another head, and Shane says, "Even for Jenny, she's acting weird."

Dana is sitting at a table with Phoebe Sparkle and the other lecture guests, fielding questions. A person in the audience jumps up and asks Dana to marry her. Dana laughs, but then responds that she's in a committed relationship. Phoebe comments that she's sure Dana and her partner "know how to spice things up." Next thing you know, Jenny is throwing her arm up, asking "Ms. Sparkle, what is your advice on three-ways?" Carmen and Shane look incredibly uncomfortable as Sparkle responds to Jenny's question. Not sure where the heck Jenny is going with this, but this is getting weirder and weirder by the minute!

Bette and her father are waiting on Kit and Benjamin to show up for dinner. They're making small talk, but Bette is starting to notice things that are very uncharacteristic for her father; he's just not acting like himself. Benjamin and Kit arrive, and Melvin is immediately taken with Benjamin. Don't think he'd be so thrilled if he knew Benjamin was married! Anyway, dinner progresses, but then suddenly Melvin has to get up and leave the table, leaving Kit and Bette to ponder what's going on with him.
Back on the Love Boat, Shane, Jenny, and Carmen are at the ship's nightclub, dancing to the music. Jenny and Carmen are kissing with Shane nearby. Jenny reaches over and pulls Shane towards them, backs away from Carmen, then pushes Shane towards Carmen, and moves away. Carmen and Shane begin to embrace, not quite touching lips, until Shane breaks away and walks off. Jenny comes over towards Carmen and ruffles her hair, then starts dancing. Poor Carmen looks shell-shocked and not sure what the hell just happened. Don't feel bad, girl, we're not sure either! The scene ends with Shane standing on the deck, looking over the side, and we're assuming, contemplating her messed up life.

At The Planet, Kit and Bette are meeting with their father for lunch. Melvin inquires about Benjamin and Kit, not sure what to say, starts to say the wrong things. Bette kicks her under the table and launches into this spiel about how Benjamin travels and such, lives in Portland, etc. Basically, Bette saves Kit's neck. As they continue discussing dinner, Melvin mentions that since Bette has a prior engagement with "Ms. Kennard," that they should have dinner there at The Planet. Bette becomes angry with him and tells him that he could at least call her Tina. He agrees, but Bette is still angry. She says, "You have no regard for what I'm going through, Daddy. None. Until you can acknowledge that my relationship of eight years was every bit as meaningful as your marriage to my mother; until you can see that my heart is broken because I failed the woman that I love, perhaps in the same way that you failed my mother, then I really have nothing else to say. Except, you know, I am not giving up. I am not going to end up sad and alone and full of regret..." as she walks off.

Dana and Alice are walking around the ship when Dana is mobbed by fans once again. They bump into Phoebe Sparkle, where Alice gushes over her, and asks if Phoebe really sleeps with a different woman every night. Entré Shane! Phoebe Sparkle takes one look at Shane and decides that's the "different woman" for that night! In another part of the ship, Carmen watches Jenny as she just cuts loose, dancing and acting wild in general. Next thing you know, Jenny has lifted her skirt and flashed everyone, then dives into the pool fully clothed! Okay, Jenny. You have to stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing!
Dana and Alice return to their room where Alice has a little surprise for them. She walks out with a captain's uniform, which she tells Dana to put on. We watch Dana getting ready, adjusting the strap-on through her pants, when Alice comes out dressed as cruise director, Julie McCoy from the Love Boat, complete with flippy hair-do and all. Dana is stunned and thinks that Alice is just beautiful. Just as she throws her down on the bed, someone knocks at the door, telling them that they're late for dinner at the Captain's table. Poor Dana doesn't have a chance to get a word in edgewise as the woman grabs her arm and drags her off, still fully clothed in her captain's uniform and packing a mighty nice lump between her legs! Poor Dana! She gives an entirely new meaning to the word "packing!"

At the same moment a few tables away, Carmen and Jenny are having dinner. Carmen asks Jenny, "Do you want to tell me what's going on with you?" Nothing, Jenny responds. Carmen comments, "Well, it just...it seems like you want a three-way with Shane." Jenny responds, "It seems like you're very attracted to her, and I just wanted...I don't know, I thought it would be interesting, it just came into my head." Like we said, Jenny, stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing! They debate back and forth about Shane, with Carmen asking if Jenny's jealous, Jenny saying no, blah, blah, blah. Girls, it's time to quit playing games. For someone who wants honesty, Jenny sure is playing fast and loose with the truth. This is ridiculous!

At the Peabody Foundation awards dinner, Tina spies Bette and makes a beeline for her, leaving Helena to greet guests alone. They make small talk until Tina tells Bette that she's been thinking a lot about "us" and about the other day when they made love. Tina: "And, if you want, I'd like to see what would happen if we started spending more time together." Bette asks, "What about Helena?" Tina responds that they're not exclusive. Bette smiles and says, "So are you saying you want to date me?" Tina breaks into a big smile and says, "Yeah." Just at that moment, right before Bette can respond, Helena walks up and spirits Tina off to meet Senator Feinstein. I'd smile, too, if I were Bette. Helena doesn't have a clue her girlfriend just asked her ex-girlfriend to date her. Woo-hoo!

On the Olivia cruise, one of my favorite singers, Shawn Colvin is performing "Sunny Came Home" while Shane and Phoebe, Jenny and Carmen, and Dana and Alice look on. If you haven't heard Shawn Colvin, give her music a listen. She has a wonderfully refreshing sound, even though she's been around for years. Alice and Dana sneak out of the concert back to their room where it's time for a little "action" as Captain Stubing and Julie. Just as they begin to make love, Dana starts getting seasick and makes a beeline for the bathroom. Poor Alice! Over at Phoebe Sparkle's place, Shane's expecting to have to "perform" for the sexpert, only to find out Sparkle is tired and just wants to sleep. Shane asks if she can borrow her couch and Sparkle agrees, so long as Shane doesn't "tell anyone" that they didn't sleep together. So much for a sexpert, huh?!

At The Planet, Kit and Benjamin are having dinner with Melvin when suddenly he collapses. Kit frantically calls Bette at the Peabody Foundation dinner and tells her to meet them at the hospital. Bette leaves in a rush, just as Tina stands to receive her award. Tina looks around for Bette, but can't find her and appears to be crushed that she's gone.

The whole gang finally return from their Olivia cruise to find Mark coming down a ladder. He has a whole mess of stuff strewn over the table, as each one asks a different question: "What are you doing? What's those? What's with all the tapes? What's going on, Mark?" Mark tells them that there's something he needs to show them, that he had cameras all over the house, but Jenny takes care of it for him. She walks over, grabs the Shane/Carmen Love Confession tape and hands it to Carmen. She turns it over, looks at it, walks over to Mark and shoves it into his chest and walks off. Going to Jenny, Carmen tries to explain everything to her, but Jenny tells her it's okay. She says, "It's okay that we're not meant to be together, and I know that the only reason you're with me is that you want to be near Shane." Carmen denies it, but Jenny walks up to Carmen, takes her hands in hers, and says, "Shane is my best friend and I don't want to fuck it up." Hmm...okay. Whatever.

Shane is going through the tapes on the table, looking at all the stuff Mark has taped with her in it, becoming more and more frustrated. Carmen walks up and she and Shane gaze at one another for a long moment before Carmen turns to leave. Shane picks up one of the cameras and stares hard at Mark. Absolutely no sound is made and the tension is high as you hear Shane sniffling. Fighting back tears, she approaches Mark and stares at him for a long time before hauling off and punching him in the face, then throwing the camera across the room.

In all, Land Ahoy was a powerful episode highlighting some turning points for our beloved characters. We see a little bit more of Jenny coming into her own, albeit in her own weird way, and the beginnings of a Tina / Bette reconciliation. Dana and Alice added a lot more comic relief to the show, as they usually do, but also experienced their first disagreement and weathered it well. Their ongoing sexual exploration is refreshing as we see Dana really stepping outside her comfort zone to please her partner, and Alice making Dana's fantasies come true. That's really listening and being there for your partner, ladies. And now, Carmen and Shane's secret is out in the open, so who knows where that one will go? If we just eliminate the repeated theme song playing, Land Ahoy would be a solid 8 on the ratings scale.

Next on The L Word: Loud and Proud
Against the backdrop of a gay-pride parade, shocking secrets are revealed about Dana's brother and Jenny's past; Bette and Kit deal with their rapidly deteriorating father. Guest stars: Ossie Davis

Don't miss the rest of OutLook where we have several new books reviewed, including titles by Verda Foster, Jacqueline Wallen, Kim Baldwin, and the irrepressible Radclyffe. Also, for budding authors, we have an entire page of publishing companies that are seeking submissions. Get those pens out, dust off that keyboard, and let's see some new stories! I've got room on my bookshelves!

Quote for the Day: Whoopi Goldberg
"Regardless of how nice people are about the gay television characters, now that this 'moral belief' is out there, people can control your life; they're going to make decisions about where you can teach, where you can live, how you can live. Does it open you up for folks coming up to your door and saying, 'I know I'm not going to get in trouble for beating the fuck out of you, so here I go?'" —Whoopi Goldberg, as quoted in The Advocate.