random musings

Labyrinth, the fifth episode of The L Word rocked—with exception to the opening reveal. If you want to miss the first minute, it won't be a great loss as the episode opened with Gomey, the scuzzy best bud of video guy Mark, at his security guard job spying on two people who are getting it on in his building. He excitedly phones Mark to tell him that he won't believe what he's looking at. Boring and perverted. On to better things!

Next we see Tina knocking on the door of the house she and Bette shared. Bette looks slightly surprised, then Tina informs her she needs a place to stay, that she shouldn't be punished for something she didn't do, and that she is moving into the guest bedroom. Bette, of course, is thrilled and says "Welcome home." Tina stands her ground, saying she isn't home, and also that she's gained some weight (another attempt to hide her pregnancy from Bette). Bette smiles and says "I don't care," which we all know means "Tina, I don't care because I love you no matter what and I am just so damn glad you're home!" Not Tina. She takes it as a slam, mouths off a retort about Bette not caring, and walks off. She does try to explain to Tina what she meant, but Tina walks off. Poor Bette. Open mouth, insert foot...which she does a lot tonight.

We're back to Mark and Gomey, as Gomey tells him all about hidden cameras and how they need to do that in Jenny and Shane's house, but Mark tells him he has another project in mind. We know it's only a matter of time before the hidden cameras go up and these two perverts get off on what they see. This is truly a pathetic storyline. If it's true the only reason Mark was added to the show is because Showtime execs were worried that straight women wouldn't have anyone to desire, lust after, whatever, then they made a huge mistake. At least Tim was an sympathetic character and likable. These guys are scuzzy and no straight woman in her right mind would find what they're doing a turn-on. Mark and Gomey are worse than two junior high boys peeking through a hole in the girls locker room.

Jenny and Shane are strolling down the street with Jenny's bold new haircut. With it, she looks a bit like a young Isabella Rossalini (Katya from Alias). While I do love a woman with long hair...God it's sexy...the new short hair look fits Jenny and her new attitude. As they stroll down the street...actually strut would be a better word...Shane starts laughing as she realizes Jenny is getting cruised by women as they walk by! Jenny's flattered, and you can just see the ego boost she got from that brief moment, and they continue down the street. I have to say, I'm beginning to like Jenny a bit more this season. Just so long as she doesn't write or flashback!

Back to Tina and Bette. Tina's relaxing in the tub as Bette knocks, then walks in with some towels. She shyly averts her eyes from Tina, and begins to walk away as Tina asks her if she'll be home tonight. Bette says she will be if Tina wants her to be. Tina responds that she has something to tell her. We can see that Tina is crumbling in the face of Bette's softening attitude, so with fingers crossed, we hope things get better. These two belong together and need to work out their differences. Alas, it is a television show and that doesn't make for good drama, so it will probably be many more episodes before that happens.

Over at the CAC, Bette is all smiles as she tells her assistant, James, to slow down on finding Tina an apartment because Tina has come home. James is confused and asks Bette why he wants her to continue looking if Tina's home. Bette's response is that she's sure in Tina's mind that she's thinking the move back to Bette's is only temporary, but Bette is hoping that once she's comfortable back home she'll just stay. Once again, Bette is attempting to manipulate the circumstances for her own benefit instead of sitting back and actually listening to what Tina has to say. She just doesn't learn.

The next few scenes are hilarious! Alice is with Tonya and Dana at a sex toy store, evidently looking for gifts for the bachelorette party gift bags. Tonya's making an ass of herself as she waves dildos around, embarassing everyone, especially Dana. So Alice tells them that she can probably take care of doing this alone. Tonya starts simulating a blow job with this cookie / chocolate bar in the shape of a penis (Good grief, who makes these things?! Can you imagine?! "Yes, that's my job...I make cookies in the shape of great big penises!"). Anyway, I digress. Tonya holds up the chocolate penis, telling Alice that it's probably more up her alley. Alice grabs a boob cookie and says that maybe this is more up her alley! Back and forth, back and forth they go, arguing, until Dana grabs both of them and tells 'em to stop it! She holds both items up and looks at Alice, saying "which do you choose?" Wow, what a loaded question, Dana! Alice narrows her eyes, glaring at Dana. Tonya shakes her head and says she just doesn't understand bisexuals, to "just choose already." Dana again looks at Alice pointedly and mouths, "yeah, just choose." Alice grabs the boob cookie from Dana and angrily bites it. Ouch! I felt that one! Definitely a laugh-out-loud moment, although you do have to ask yourself why Alice is subjecting herself to what is, without doubt, painful for her since she's so obviously in love with Dana!

Jenny and Shane are being interviewed (again) by creepy Mark as he tells them he wants to know all about lesbian life and sex. Before we proceed, if you're offended by the f-word, we apologize, as that seems to be the word of choice in this segment. Mark wants to know how lesbians have sex; not the foreplay, kissing, and cuddling, but how do they fuck as it's obvious they can't do that. Here we go with the primary penis theory that if you don't have one, you're not really having sex. Give me a break! Anyway, Shane and Jenny basically rip him a new one and inform him that lesbians can indeed fuck and it doesn't require a penis to do it. Then Jenny really puts the screws to him and says "Do you want us to demonstrate because it is obvious that is what this entire thing is leading up to, right?" He responds that he's simply trying to gain some insight here; a unique perspective for guys. Sex tip for all the horndogs and all that. They both basically look at him with disgust, which is what he deserves. Jenny really is outstanding in this segment. Her new hairdo really gives her a "kiss my ass" kind of attitude, which she pulls off really well.

Back at Bette and Tina's, we find Tina at the dinner table, candles lit, eating and working on something. Bette walks in, Tina offers to make a plate for her, and Bette says she'll do it herself. She looks at Tina intently, telling her she really looks great, that she's glowing. Get a clue, Bette! Your girlfriend is glowing because she's pregnant! Tina softens again as she responds to the compliment. Then as she begins to tell Bette what we assume will be the pregnancy reveal, Bette launches into this vitriolic diatribe about the horrible Helena Peabody and how she's probably not going to get the funding for the CAC, how horrible her life will be, blah, blah, blah. Tina tries to interject that she spent the entire day trying to raise money too, that the kids need money, but Bette doesn't hear her. She rails against not having the money she needs and how horrible it will be if that happens, while Tina crumbles, acquiescing to what Bette says. Bette finally shuts up, remembering that Tina wanted to talk to her, and asks, but Tina says it is nothing. Later, she knocks on Tina's door and apologizes for her behavior, but it's the "too little, too late" thing.

Again, Bette falls back into her old patterns making her life the focus of their relationship, not listening to Tina. She again makes Tina feel that her life is somewhat less than Bette's, that her opinion isn't as important as Bette's, her concerns aren't as valid as Bette's. You just want to reach over and shake Bette, telling her to shut up for five seconds! Maybe if Bette had listened a little more and Tina spoke up a little more, they wouldn't be in the mess they are in. What is with lesbian relationships? We can process and talk an issue to death as a whole, but when it really comes down to listening to one another in a relationship, we are so good to slap on the old earplugs. Get a clue, ladies! Learn from Bette and Tina. Listening to one another is one of the most important—and valuable—things you can do for your relationship. I remember something I learned a long time ago from the Bible, a book many consider archaic and out-of-date, yet within its pages, wisdom from which we all could benefit: Be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Listen to the one you love, ladies! If we could just shut up for five minutes, focus, and really listen to the one we love, our relationships would be fantastic. You'd be amazed at what you'd hear if you'd only listen to her. Listen, love, and learn, ladies. You'll be richer for it.

We cut to The Planet where Alice is working on her dating chart she created from last season, when Bette and Tina walk in together. Alice is so happy to see them together, she mistakenly assumes they are "together" and grabs them in an enthusiastic embrace. They both laugh uncomfortably, correcting Alice in her assumption, so she continues to play the goof, saying she's just so glad to see them. She and Tina sit down to dish while Bette goes to see Kit, and Tina confesses that she's not ruling out getting back with Bette. Alice inquires about how Bette handled the pregnancy news and she says she hasn't told her yet. Shocked, Alice asks how she could miss it, and Tina states that Bette's kind of wrapped up in herself, that she can't see what's right in front of her, and that it's always been one of their problems. No kidding! That would be a huge understatement.

Kit introduces Bette to Benjamin Bradshaw, the self-help guru from last episode, and gushes about how his "Theory of Everything" program has made The Planet profitable and off-the-charts successful. Bradshaw extends his sympathy to Bette about her recent troubles, but Kit quickly cuts him off. Bette seems a bit put-off by Bradshaw, but we know we'll see more of him as he's obviously going to be a love interest for Kit. His character is done well by the superb Charles S. Dutton, but doesn't have the resonance or chemistry that Kit and Ivan had.

Quick cut to Shane and Carmen as they discuss Jenny. Carmen thinks she's a bit weird, but Shane tries to smooth things over. You can tell she's pushing Carmen to Jenny, but at the same time, is bothered that Carmen kissed her awhile back. She even brings it up to Carmen, but then says it's no big deal, and goes back to promoting Jenny. Carmen gently tells her not to try and fix her up and leaves Shane sitting on the counter, contemplating what she said.

Veronica Bloom is back in all her glory with a black stretch limo, as she berates one of her assistants about a project. She tells him he's not the one for the job, that they need a real person just as Shane walks up. She tells him she needs the "hair girl" for the job, to which Shane says "fuck you." Eventually, she cajoles Shane into the limo, Shane talks the recalcitrant person into working with Veronica Bloom by sharing a bit of her past history, and Bloom gloats as they drive back to the studio. Although the character of Veronica Bloom is a bit over the top and majorly obnoxious, Camryn Manheim is doing a topnotch job in this role. She is simply outstanding!

The moment of truth comes for Bette and she finds out the Peabody Foundation has not given the CAC a dime of grant money. Cut to Tina's office at the Headquarters for Social Justice and they just found out the group received a $100,000 grant based on Tina's grant proposal! While thrilled, Tina scrolls down the screen, sees that the CAC didn't receive anything, and true to her nature, she calls Bette, concerned for her. She asks Bette if she's okay, and Bette, pissed off and upset, starts jumping all over Tina about going after the Peabody grant. She bitches Tina out, and said that Tina should have at least warned her, to which Tina responds that it's not always easy to tell her things. Bette cuts her off, tells her she's getting upset, and hangs up, throwing the phone across the room and screaming in anger. Where is a muzzle when you need one? Get a grip, Bette! God, you just want to put a muzzle on Bette and scream, "Everything that happens in the world is not about you!"

Tina gets a phone call that Helena Peabody is headed their way for a big media splash about the grant. Helena stalks in like a predatory lion, looking for Tina, and does the big splashy interview thing, but then starts flirting with Tina, talking about her pregnancy, her own children, etc. Helena is beautiful, but her personality is just so in-your-face, she's not very likable.

Finally, the moment we have all waited for! Alice and Dana are sitting on the floor, assembling bachelorette party gift bags when they start talking about when they first met each other and how they found each other attractive. Dana leans over to reach something, Alice is fixed on Dana's derrière, then says, "Dana, you have a really nice ass..." That's all it takes. They face one another and CeCe Peniston bursts into song with "Finally" as they fall into each others arms! The next few minutes are one of the most torrid lovemaking scenes I've ever witnessed as they frantically rip the clothing from each other, but at the same time, classic Dana and Alice, as they can't seem to get their clothes off. Poor Dana even falls off the couch as Alice pulls off her pants! Scenes cut to them making love in a variety of places, sitting in front of the refrigerator with whip cream and strawberries, among other things! Yum!

Cut to Tina's office, where Helena is again lurking. She invites Tina to dinner, but Tina declines because of the bachelorette party. During the middle of their discussion, Bette shows up with flowers and an apology. Tina's frustrated because she feels Bette thinks she can throw flowers at her and everything will be all right. Instead of shutting up, Bette argues back, then enters Helena. Bette sees right through her, asking what is going on, then Helena tells Tina she shouldn't be putting up with this kind of nonsense in her "condition." The light bulb finally goes off, and Bette asks, "What condition is that?"

Back to Alice and Dana, where the frantic pace of earlier has slowed down to a deeper, more meaningful moment as they lie naked, wrapped up in one another's arms, kissing deeply and looking into each other's eyes. You can truly feel the love, but it is not going to last for long. Keys rattling and noises outside alert them to the return of Tonya and her family! They scramble like crazy and the door opens to Tonya looking surprised! You just know she caught them! However, Alice and Tina are meekly sitting on the floor, the gift bags gathered around them, with their clothes on. How they managed to get dressed that quickly when it took so long to get them out of their clothes, I'll never know! Anyway, they sit there grinning, Tonya walks off to get something, and the two guilty culprits desperately try to remove the handcuffs that Alice has on! Again, another great laugh-out-loud moment!

We knew it had to happen. Jenny's back writing, this time the word "Monstrosity" in big letters across her notepad. Another carnival flashback scene with characters who are hideously grotesque. I know these scenes are supposed to have meaning, but the writers need to give a little bit of reveal if they want them to hold any interest for the viewer. As they are, they're just quite irritating. Please, no more flashbacks!

Banging on the door. Jenny goes to see who it is, and Bette storms in, quite upset. She asks if Jenny knew about Tina, to which she answers yes, and Jenny, shocked, asks "You didn't know?" Bette goes off on a tangent, berating herself for being such a selfish, self-centered person whom Tina must hate for keeping this from her. Jenny comforts Bette, telling her not to give up, and give Tina time. Wise advice, if only Bette can keep her mouth shut long enough to do it.

We cut to Tonya and Dana's bachelorette party, where Dana's mother, Sharon, is looking quite uncomfortable. Remember, Sharon didn't take well to Dana's revelation about her sexuality last season mainly because, unbeknownst to Dana, Sharon had her own Sapphic leanings when she was younger. Sharon stands up to toast the couple, speaking of the love between Tonya and Dana, just as Alice walks in to listen and is crushed by what she hears. Dana embraces her Mom, smiling broadly for everyone until her eyes fall on Alice, and then Dana, too, loses her smile. Alice looks heartbroken and starts to leave until Shane catches her. Shane gently inquires, then Alice breaks down and admits she and Dana were together. She then spends the evening trying to avoid Dana. Awww, your heart just breaks for Alice.

Back at Jenny and Shane's, we see Mark and scuzball Gomey installing hidden cameras all over their house with the intent to catch as much lesbian sex as they can possibly get on film. Ugh! Disgusting!

At the bachelorette party, Bette and Jenny come together, and Bette questions everyone, asking if they knew about Tina's pregnancy. Of course, they all did, so Bette's pretty down. She glances over and who walks in? Tina and Helena. She does make a little scene by confronting the two of them, telling Helena she doesn't go where she's not wanted, and Tina says "What makes you think she's not wanted?" At this point, she decides the only good thing that can come of things is to just get drunk, which she proceeds to do.

Tonya finally corners Alice and makes her do a toast as Dana's best friend. She walks to the stage, nervously looking at Dana and Tonya. You can simply feel Alice's heart breaking as she begins to speak: "I've known Dana a longtime, and I guess, like most things that are right in front of your eyes, you don't see just how wonderful they are until they're gone. Um...Tonya...um...you are the luckiest woman on Earth. To my friend, what can I say? Congratulations...I love you." Heartbreak, total heartbreak.

Bette watches Helena and Tina dance while Alice watches Dana and Tonya. God, what heartbreak tonight! Alice tries to talk Bette into leaving, but Bette decides she has something to say to the happy couple. Let's make that a toast to the couple, but directed to Tina. She interrupts the music and says, "I lift my glass to caring, kindness, and trust...longevity...and respect to all the things you need to keep your love alive. I wish you happiness and I hope that you forever spare each other pain. And if you find that isn't possible, then I wish you forgiveness." She looks at Tina, and as the song "Come on Home to Me" plays in the background, she walks away. As Helena moves in to comfort Tina, Tina simply looks at Bette's retreating figure with longing.

And last, but not least, we are left with Mark and his video cameras, watching Shane as she brings a girl into her room to have sex. Here with go with the voyeurism. Again, ugh.

In all, Labyrinth was an excellent episode. For the Dana / Alice lovers out there, a culmination of their feelings for one another. For Bette and Tina fans, hold on a little longer because it appears Helena Peabody is going to definitely be a force to be reckoned with. Don't miss the next episode which features guest stars Sandra Bernhard back in her role as Charlotte Birch, and Melissa Rivers.

The O.C. — Goodbye Alex
We knew it was coming, but didn't make it anymore pleasant. In fact, the way the creators handled the exit of Alex, resident lesbian on The O.C., was not handled very well at all.

In the beginning of Marissa (Mischa Barton) and Alex's courtship, we saw a supremely independent, confident person in Alex, a young woman Marissa found herself drawn to despite the fact she had never had feelings for another woman. The Ryan and Marissa romance had long ago petered out, and Ryan was lost in his brooding over Lindsey. No mention of a Ryan/Marissa rekindling, even though we knew it had to happen since it was an anchor to the show. Marissa seemed to validate her relationship with Alex, even telling Julie, her mother about it and moving in with Alex. For the first time since the show debuted, Marissa actually seemed happy and not drunk...a major step for her!

Now comes the detour. Seth decides he's going to meddle and get them back together, hooking Ryan and Marissa up to work on a pep rally together. Summer threatens him not to interfere, but he does anyway. At one point, Alex even goes to Seth about Marissa, because she knows something isn't right. She pours out her heart, telling Seth she's really falling hard for Marissa, and instead of helping, Seth tells her about Marissa and Ryan "sleeping" together in the tent that night at the mall. Alex flies out of there in a rage, hurt that Marissa lied to her. Alex's character starts falling apart about right now.

Here's where the writers truly lost it. Alex becomes the typical stalker, violent lesbian who becomes ultra-jealous and possessive of her girlfriend, as she watches Ryan and Marissa awkwardly hug after working on the project. She confronts Ryan, shoving him several times, screaming to stay away from her girlfriend, not listening as he tries to tell her nothing happened. You have to give Ryan credit for not hitting her back, and he quietly tells her to "walk away." Alex and Marissa end up fighting over the tent issue, with Alex stalking off and Marissa looking upset.

Julie beseeches Ryan to help her with Marissa, to try and get her to come home. He doesn't want to, but eventually caves in to her demand. He goes to Alex's and forces his way in, Alex and he argue, and again Alex threatens him. He says bring it on, and she says she will. Then, snidely, he remarks that "if you have to try this hard, it's not working." While that may be true at times, when other people are deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship, that's just a bunch of bull! Please. What is Ryan now, Yoda? The O.C. Resident Relationship Wisdom Guru? Give me a break.


Cut to the bonfire where Ryan and Marissa are overseeing things. Alex walks up with two huge guys. At first, Marissa is happy to see her until Alex says the guys are there to see Ryan. Hey, you gotta admit, the girl has some guts about her! She brought it on, all right...two guys to beat the crap out of Ryan! Marissa tells her it is between the two of them, so they go off to talk. At first, they fight, Marissa saying she didn't think she had to give up her life just to be with Alex, Alex saying she just wants to be part of her life!


Eventually, they calm down and Alex cries, telling her she realizes she doesn't fit into Marissa's life and obviously Ryan does. Marissa swears nothing is going on, but Alex questions how long it will be before it does, to which Marissa says nothing. Then Alex says she's probably going to leave. Marissa looks stricken, but doesn't try and stop her. They hug, both emotional, but Alex looks truly brokenhearted. We have Alex apologizing to Ryan, then smiling at Marissa and walking off into the sunset. Two seconds later, Ryan has his arm around Marissa, asking if she's okay, and she's like, "I'm fine." Fine? You just broke up with your girlfriend and you're fine, ready to laugh and joke with your old boyfriend? You're flakier than I thought!

For such a great opportunity to show a really strong lesbian relationship, however briefly, on network television, the creators of The O.C. did a real disservice to the characters writing them off as they did. Alex deserved more than a psycho-lesbian portrayal, and Marissa at least deserved a half-hearted attempt at being a decent human being. Shame on Josh Schwartz and The O.C. for caving in like they did.